That's all she wrote for the year

This will be the last official blog I post. Now that the regular season is over and the those that are not in the playoffs are done, there is little motivation to keep writing. The truth is the blog is written primarily for the amusement of Señor Sarcasm and to keep Katie laughing / on her toes. Another reason why this site sucks is due to the fact that those that are in the playoffs are outed. At least you could keep playing in hopes of not finishing dead last like the Japanese Turd did. Oh well... we tried something new and realized it sucked hard. Next year we'll move on to Yahoo.

There was an interesting trend that happened last week. The 4 teams in the playoffs all scored more than 100 points. I guess there's a reason why they are playoff teams and the rest of you are not (with the exception of Señor Sarcasm. You were only kept from the playoffs because the fantasy football gods find your pouting amusing. The "it's not fair" comments make them laugh much to hard to give in and let you win.) Had the divisions been split up differently then Alan definitely would not be in the playoffs but I guess that's life. Right? Life isn't fair and anybody who thinks it should be fair is stupid. That's right Katie, I said it. Life shouldn't be fair and you're stupid if you think it should be.

Let me give you an example... most ladies scream for this equal rights thing and want equal pay and that glass ceiling thing to be removed, but when it's time to change the water on the water dispenser who do you call? That's right... a man. I could come up with more examples, but I don't want to get kicked in the balls first thing in the morning.

On to the meaningless matchups. (Before I do that, I was challenged last week to try to be funny and kind. I'll give that a whirl, if it doesn't work, just know it was Tony's stupid idea.)

First we had the laughing stock team of the league against the sexiest owner of the league (no offense Katie, Bo, Erica & Alan). In non-surpising fashion Gregg laid an egg, had the fewest points in the league for the week, and had he played the right players as recommended by CBSSports.com he wouldn't have lost. But that's double G for ya. His glory continues to live in the past. He used to be a good baseball player, but now he gets struck out by a 10 year kid. He can't even catch candy thrown right to him. (Basically he's like a woman.) Now you'll hear the comment, "I won the league last year." Big freaking whoop! You're like President Obama's approval rating. Just because it used to be good doesn't mean it is anymore. As for Joyce, you weren't all that bad. Had your life not been so hectic early on in the season you might've been able to do a little more. If I recall correctly you had some bonehead moves that ended up biting you in the booty. That's life I guess.

The second meaningless matchup was between Leo's Spelling champs and weak comebacks (however your email today was funny) and the worst team of the league statistically speaking. In 6-8 fashion Leo came up short just like in life (whether in the bedroom or in fantasy football). As for Erica's team (who still hasn't read this blog)... Thanks for playing. It was a real pleasure having you in the league. We all sincerely hope you continue to play next year because we love playing against you. The only request we have is that you change your team name to "the self-esteem booster". I think you made the fewest moves in the league and it showed by the fact that your team sucked from day one.

Finally, meaningless matchup number 3 was between the buckless broncos and a band from the 80's. Is it really surprising to anyone that the 3 loserville games all had the 3 lowest combined scores? It shouldn't be! Poor Keler's team got beat up by poor management early on, auto-draft gone bad, and then just not being very smart. Bo put forth a helluva an effort but it wasn't enough either. (I just noticed that I haven't been very nice yet... I'll try that now). The best part about both of these competitors is that they had a "can do" attitude and a spirit that lived on despite there ineptitude. (Read that again with a sarcastic tone and you'll realize that being nice isn't one of my strong points.)

OK... on to the important games.

Katie, you got owned. You got beat down like you stole something. What may have helped is if you weren't out until the wee early morning hours on Saturday taking in some old Vietnam drugs (Agent Orange), and then partying all over again with some gay english band (Muse) later on. You need to realize that your real passion in life is not music, but fantasy football. If music were your thing then you'd be singing more in our meetings, or using your pen as a drum, mix in a little air guitar on the side. Since you don't do any of those things, its obvious that you are a closet singer which leads us all to wonder what else you have in your closet. Some educated guesses have been the following: You're a closet cave-woman. You are a lesbian. You are Ken's secret lover. And finally you are in love with Alan's bald spot. The 4th guess is probably the closest to reality which is why your team laid an egg this past week. You would rather have Alan win then you because of your fierce love for him and his ever growing bald spot. (I think the spot is actually getting bigger the longe rhis hair gets). Alan did a good job covering up his weaknesses this past week, but one can only wonder how long it will be until it is discovered that not only does Alan have a massive / growing bald spot on his head, but that his team really isn't that good to begin with. Only time will tell until his weaknesses are discovered.

If I would have said that Kurt Warner will only put up 1 point this week, yet Doron would beat Señor Sarcasm and have the highest point total of the week you would've thought I was crazy. Truth be known, I didn't say that, so I'm not crazy, but it did happen, so maybe I am crazy after all. Zylka finally put in the right QB, but it was the need for a better recieving corp that hurt him this time. I'm not sure how the previous weeks would've been, but at least for this week, Leo's failed trade with Zylka wouldn't have helped him at all. I'm sure we'll all get some kind of "wannabe" guilt inducing email later on telling us how he would've been special had that trade gone through, but the real email should come out stating that had Señor Sarcasm not taunted the Mamba then the trade most likely would have gone through anyway. We call that "not waking a sleepy bear." No, Doron isn't a bear, but his mama bear-esq response to your taunting email created a wave of response that was sufficient to squash your deal. Had no email been sent, he most likely would have forgotten about the trade, or at least not had the motivation to kill the deal. Democracy is a bitch (I think that's an official term), especially when rallied against your own cause.

Finally we come to what will inevitably be one of the league champions. The puppy store vs. the porn peddler. Despite my victory, the porn peddler pointed out that the victory really came down to one play. Because I won I won't go into details. Truth be known, I would have rather lost because the chances of beating an opponent 3 times in a row is slim. I wish I had something funny to write or insulting or kind, but it's late and I don't care anymore.

Thanks for reading and for your suggestions. Most of all thanks for laughing and encouraging me to keep clowning on the league. I hope Zylka gets over his pout-fest and joins us again next year. If he doesn't, then we'll just have to find some other whiny, sarcastic, little girl to fill his shoes.

Win and you're in

I'm not sure if you guys realize this or not, but that Tiger Woods dude is having a bad week. Do you realize how smoking hot his wife is? Seriously. She's a former bikini model! I'm sure that pancake chick was totally worth it. Apparently she's claiming you ordered a tall stack but only had a short stack with some silver dollar pancakes... For what it's worth here's my advice, Stick to what you're good at... golf. Get out of the player game. It's obviously not working for you.

Now on to serious matters. Fantasy football and the fact that the whack-jobs at CBSsports.com were able to do one thing right this season and that is magically pre-arrange the final week so that the division leaders would all square off with in a winner take-all kind of game. Before we go any further I want to congratulate 8 of the 12 teams in the league for having a record of .500 or worse (LOSERS!). It's quite pathetic that in a league of 12 teams that 66% of you suck more than you don't suck. What I mean is if your team isn't a puppy store, snake related, porn related (excluding "Barely Legal") or complaining about life not being fair, then your team sucks about as bad as the site that was used and additionally you suck too. You are a bad manager of fantasy football talent and you're probably a bad parent as well, or you would be a bad parent if you had kids. Two of the worst teams compiled and managed were Gregg & Erica. We know that Gregg is a bad parent because of numerous examples of him not paying attention and his daughter barely escaping death. One example is when we went to the batting cages 18 months ago (when Gregg couldn't catch up to the 70 mph balls) and in one of his many careless moments he allowed his daughter to run off while Adrianne was smoking some heat. His daughter ran into a neighboring batting cage where a Filipino dude almost knocked her out of the park. Thankfully the Filipinos have a little respect for the Japanese and her life was spared. Erica's parenting skills will not come into question as proof that I can learn from my mistakes and will not call anyone a bad mother again (those are some nasty stretch marks! Hey Katie, when are you going to start having kids?).

Speaking of Japanese... Gregg's loss is revenge for Pearl Harbor. Katie was able to get enough of her patriotic juice going to make sure America remained great. Katie is having a good week. Let me list the ways in which this week is working out well for her: 1) She beat Gregg handedly. 2) She bought her precious concert tickets to Muse and it only cost $200 for 2 tickets. I'm so glad that you recently fell in love with a band that has been around for 15 years! It's good to know that you're not psycho or anything or totally obsessive at the drop of a dime or 2,000 dimes in this case. 3) Katie realized that Craigslist is a great way to meet new people. Turns out this guy that sold the tickets is quite the charmer. I think he also gives massages. Maybe Katie will sign up for one of those. That wouldn't be creepy at all or anything. Ask him if he babysits. Seriously though... since Craigslist is such a great meeting place maybe you could put an add up that says something like this, "Very talkative woman seeking a more sophisticated husband that will enjoy rocking out with me to the likes of Muse, Rancid, Aquabats and They Might be Giants. Good ears requested and an attention span longer than 2 minutes a plus. Call me for a good time or for information on devil worshipping and on how to groom a caveman's junk." Anyway, back to the game and the fact that in typical Gregg fashion he puked all over himself and stuttered with his piss poor ability to pick a decent lineup. It's sad to think that this same guy won the league last year. What has happened to you Gregg?

Next we move on to this week's Silva award winner for being asleep at the wheel. Congratulations Doron for completely spacing fantasy football this week and not realizing that Kurt Warner was playing, Desean Jackson was injured, and that John Carney was let go and rehired as a "Carney" in Small Town, USA. Erica manages to put up her second highest point total of the year which shouldn't have been enough had you properly managed. Lucky for you Zylka pouted his way to a loss also, so now you have the opportunity to battle it out for a winner take all scenario with Señor Sarcasm himself.

Since we just mentioned Señor Sarcasm, we might as well talk about the egg he just laid. In classic Zylka fashion he again picked the wrong quarterback. It's a good thing you're not a gm because if you were you're team would be full of Ryan Leaf's and Jamarcus Russel's. I can't ride you too hard however... it was one of those weeks when your players just let you down. It was nice of Leo to not lay down like a Frenchman and take his licks put instead to fight it out for a possible .500 record and a little bit of pride.

In a surprise (at least surprising to me) upset, Alan took his hand off his crotch and put in a good enough lineup to beat the all powerful Joyce. Joyce had emerged as a contender in the loser division when she took Doron's best players in a trade he proposed. Her rally fell short however as she gets beat by a man, again. Her playoff hopes were dashed just like my kids Christmas hopes are on Christmas eve when I get sloppy drunk, walk around the house naked and tell them that there is no Santa Claus and piss all over the Christmas tree until I ultimately pass out only to wake up and start all over again. Ahhh... good times. Anyone want to see the photos?

Only because they like to read there names will the last two games be talked about. Keler, not quite sure what you were thinking by not starting Mr. Boldin of the Cardinals but I'm very sure as to what you were saying at halftime when he had already had 2 touchdowns and almost a hundred yards receiving. You got beat soundly by an old man who was seeking revenge from an early season loss. Vengence was his and he liked it.

Finally, I just barely had enough in the gas tank to outlast Bo in a squeaker, 105 - 103. It's tough to lose when you have over a 100 points, but the silver lining is that this victory sealed my playoff fate when both mamba and sarcasm lost. So thanks to you Bo for putting up a good fight but ultimately not a good enough fight.

In conclusion, this, the final week of the regular season brings much drama. The Mamba faces the one and only Señor Sarcasm. Katie and her new friends from Craigslist (that may one day replace the caveman and the devil) go against the soft porn king of LV, Alan. The other divisional match up of note pits the two best teams in the league in a possible Super Bowl preview. For those two dumb to know who those two teams are, it's the Puppy Store and Mr. Long & Loud & First with a freshly shaved mug.

Talkin Trash

A few teams got completely eliminated this week from playoff contention and they deserve to be recognized for their futility. Congratulations go out to The Foreigner, Bucking Broncos, Hey Reb, and Shimrp Shack II. All of you are officially out of the running and have zero chance of making the playoffs. You may still play a role as a spoiler but that is all. What's pathetic and sad about this is the fact that Gregg with a 4-8 record still has a chance to make the playoffs. That's just not right. A few changes will be made next year to ensure that crap like this doesn't happen again.

Because I'm so full of myself and love me some me, I'll start off by gloating about how wonderful my team is and their massive destruction of Keler's crappy team. 125 points is no joke and having it come against Keler only makes it better. Not sure if you guys saw this clip, but if you replace the word Utah for Keler, that's about how I feel. If the season ended today I'd be the wildcard team and a serious contender to kick some trash throughout the playoffs. I would like to also point out what a genius I am by picking up Mr. Forsett with the Seahawks who must've known he was on my fantasy team because he went off for 25 points. Thanks Justin! I appreciate the big day. As for Keler, we appreciated having you in the league. We kind of miss not having you in Las Vegas anymore and wish you the best of luck in UT.

Barely Legal is barely alive after the wallopping defeat he suffered at the hands of Mr. Kung-Fu 4-8 Ninja himself. The Japanese Turd saw a small chance at making the playoffs so he decided to put in a real lineup. Way to finally pay attention to your team and make some educated moves. It's too bad it was temporary and next week you'll return to loserville. I say that because picking up Marshawn Lynch is more of a deathtrap then anything. There wasn't a single move that could've helped Barely Legal win this past week, unless of course you take a look at every single move Alan made over the course of the year to realize that there were plenty of opportunities for him not to suck as long and hard as he did. Alan has enjoyed both ends of the spectrum (which isn't surprising). He started off the year 4-0, only to lose 7 of the next 8 games. Not a winning recipe.

Next we come to the dreadful attack of Psycho / Señor Sarcasm who strikes yet again. Señor makes the wrong QB decision, again, yet continues to pile on the points. I don't think there has a been a week all year where there wasn't a QB on Sarcasm's bench that didn't score more than his starter (or more than Alan's mom). Zylka finally put Erica's team out of their misery. Erica's dreadful team is on par with the Detroit Lions, Cleveland Browns, Oakland Raiders, St. Louis Rams and Kansas City Chiefs. Your team is like a trainwreck. Every team in the league couldn't wait to face your pathetic team. Every team you beat has a losing record and you only put up 100 points once. I know the blame isn't Erica's but her sports fanatic husband who is obviously dealing with other issues because it's quite obvious that fantasy football is not a priority.

The caveman's wife did some butt kicking over the weekend. Nice time to put up 109 points. You didn't pay attention and still wracked up 109. Just imagine what you could've done had you not paid attention all year long. (Instead you have most recently been paying attention to Muse(seriously, $500 to see those guys?), some stupid British band that you haven't decided you liked until 3 weeks ago and now you are willing to fork over your life's savings to see them. That's not random is it? Afterall, music is your life. Music and cavemen, along with clockmaking and devil worshiping.) It's not surprising however that you'd over analyze every possible decision and ultimately make the wrong move. What is surprising is that Joyce's team didn't pounce you. She had been on a nice winning streak that was suddenly slapped into hysteria. Joyce's key weakness has never been more obvious. Girl, you need yourself a quarterback. Almost anybody else is better than who you got.

This weeks sign that good works are not dead is brought to us by Leo. After realizing that with a few wins and a little bit of luck Leo could make the playoffs, he promptly puts up the second lowest point total of the year so that Doron can make a playoff run instead. And you said that Leo was a bum! Had he played basically anybody than who he did, he would've won. Instead the mamba lucks after starting an injured QB and then takes a stab at voodoo which worked out well too as Leo's QB promptly had his foot fall off thereby enabling the mamba to win.

Finally Tony's continues to assert his dominance by embarrassing Bo and her Broncos. Tony has been hotter than two squirels screwing in a wool sock lately by putting up more than 100 points 6 of the last 8 weeks. Bo's team has been colder than a penguin getting left out of a love triangle in Alaska. Things in Bo's world have been tough on her and there's no need for this blog to add any more pain to Bo's world so we'll end it like this.

On that note, enjoy a laugh by watching this clip.

Time Bomb

With each passing week things get more and more exciting. The loser division has a tight race with Joyce & Alan tied for first. The BFF division is close with Doron in first. And is there really any surprise that Zylka is right behind Doron? Don't look now, but Leo could be in contention for the division after this week if he can beat Doron. Tony is starting to pull away with the other division as he has the best record and a strong lineup. The other race is for the wild card which will be undetermined for a few weeks.

I figured with this being Thanksgiving weekend I would share things for which I am thankful.

First of all I'm thankful that I'm not married to Katie. If she picks husbands like she picks fantasy football teams then you know her caveman is a real winner. Katie got slaughtered by the spelling bee champ which is about what she's used to. What was even worse than the defeat was watching her precious Steelers get beat by one of the worst teams in the world, the Kansas City Chiefs. And to add injury to insult, Rothlisburger was injured and his head / highlighted hair may not be alright for this week's game. Leo showed us this week that attention to detail isn't that important when you're playing Katie. Basically a full lineup will do the job. Leo is a little bitter about the trade not going through but he's just using that as motivation to kick butt these last few weeks.

Second I'm thankful for those who have an optimistic outlook on life. Zylka is not one of those people. Rather he is totally bitter primarily because of the rejected trade. There have been threats of not playing next year, or taking $25 worth of pennies and throwing them at certain ringleaders that disrupted the trade or even deficating on people's cars like a certain cat in the basement has been known to do. We'll have to see what Zylka will do, but in the meantime we have to deal with the hellish fury of a scorned only child (a slight variation of the original saying). Vick's Puppy Store was the first victim of Zylka's tirade and we all may be victims if we're not more kind to this very fragile human being. There is no telling what Señor Sarcasm will do. If we're lucky he'll just beat up on a few weaklings in the league, if were unlucky we might want to wear bullet proof vests to work. Only time will tell if Señor Sarcasm will turn into Psycho Sarcasm.

Third, I'm thankful for America and how freaking awesome it is. Japan is not as good as America and Gregg's team is not as good as Tony's. Just like the Japanese always do however, (put up a nice fight, but end up losing (i.e. WWII)) so did GG. 101 points is a lot of points for a guy who gets off by watching children cry, but it wasn't enough because Tony did what the Americans always do...win! That's right, Americans are freaking winners. We invented water parks, fast food, the car, and imported slavery. There is nothing we can't do. And there is nothing that Tony can't do, including beating an opponent without having anybody on his team score a touchdown, punk a little kid out of his Halloween candy, and destroy kids' dreams of getting runover by a car while they play in his street. That's right, Tony is the man. He has the best record in the league and he has the best hairdo as well. Gregg is quite the opposite. He has the worst team in the league and the biggest head.

Fourth, I'm thankful for the freedom's enjoyed in America. I'm not a big proponent of the women's right movement, but in the name of equal opportunity I think it's great. It means that I can punch a woman in the face and have it be ok, and it also means that Joyce can beatdown a Black Mamba and move a step closer to the playoffs. There is no glass ceiling in fantasy football. The irony of Mamba's loss to a girl is the fact that he was beat with his old players. Good 'ol Hines Ward came through with 18 points vs. Marshall's 2. Chris Johnson had 15 points and Ray Rice had 13. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the year plays out to see how Joyce finishes up the season. She sure is lucky to be in the worst division in the history of fantasy football.

Fifth, I'm thankful for big things. You know what I mean... Super Sized Meals, 1/2 pound hamburgers, H2 Hummers, Big women, big houses, the list goes on. And in a world where there are no little people, just people with smaller bodies and bigger aspirations we have the Foreigner busting a move to try and make a late push into contention. This may be a classic too little too late, but like the little train taught us, if we don't think we can, then there's no way we can. Unfortunately for Keler, he can't play Erica's pitiful team every week. Keler is in nice position to sneak in the backdoor and possibly steal the wild card position. He's 6-5 and going up against a divisional opponent. Our bank's favorite SBA rep might come up big afterall.

Finally, I'm thankful for Alan in my life. He's a helluva guy to help put things into perspective. Just today I was down in the dumps and Alan comes by to cheer me up. The key points behind his motivation were that he's busier than everyone in our office, his kids are the dumbest kids around and his wife does absolutely nothing for him or anyone else. The part that makes all of that OK in Alan's world however is that his 6 game losing streak finally came to an end. It took a 124 point effort to overcome an impressive 107 point Bo effort, but he did it. He showed Joyce that he's not willing to lie down and let her violate him and his division. He may even punch her in her equal rights face. That would be a violation of his anger management program so hopefully he'll stick with verbally assaulting her and maybe spitting in her general direction. Congrats on the victory Alan, and good luck in working your way towards being anger free.

Tick Tock

What a bizarre week it was. Every team that won, with the exception of the albino mamba, had a losing record. It's just one of the wierd things that can happen in a fantasy league. Kind of like how horrible one of the divisions is in this league. Here's what's crazy; The Japanese Kamakazi Turds are 1 game out of first with a 3-7 record! The thought that he could actually make the playoffs is frightening considering that he statistically has the 2nd worse team. The only other team statistically worse is Hey Reb, which is considered a bye week in 48 of the states. Only Hawaii and Alaska recognize Hey Reb as an actual fantasy team and that's because they haven't received their certified letters yet.

This weeks "somebody has to win it" game was between the clockmaker and the guy that nobody knows. The best part about this game is that because Katie lost, there is now a three way (Alan will like this) tie between The Jew, The Gentile and the devil worshipper. The mormon is trying to get involved by being a game out, but as Erica will vouch, Mormon's aren't really christians and shouldn't be considered a religion, they are really more of a devil worshipping, kool-aid drinking, child molesting cult. (Which may be true depending on who you ask. Other things that may be true are: Mormons still practice polygamy, have horns, and they make some mean homemade bread... Oh wait...The child molestion part isn't true, that one goes to the Catholics and their overly friendly priests with a hands on approach to "sex education".) I digress...

The other embarrassment of the week was Vick's Puppy Store who laid an egg against the future league champion, Joyce. Her slow start won't hold her down as she is now storming ahead within her piss poor division. She has the two hottest running backs in the game and she's scoring more points than she's ever scored in her life. Watch out for Joyce as she is the 2nd hottest team in the league with 3 consecutive wins (not bad when you have 4 wins total) and she's also the hottest team owner.

The spelling bee champ may be regretting his trade now that word has spread that Dwayne Bowe will be suspended for 4 games due to substance abuse. It's tough when you can't have the Chief's leading receiver & touchdown man since 2007. Not having him for 4 weeks will be enough to knock you out of contention for good. Trading Moss away for Schaub is next to stupid and a bit of an overreaction, but not as stupid as trading Larry Johnson for Drew Brees like you did last year. Speaking of stupid... the other thing that is stupid is that you never look at cbssports.com at work. We appreaciate your newfound work ethic, but seriously, even Doron spends half his day on that sight.

The Bucking Broncos smacked down the misspelled Shimrpees by putting up the most points in the league for the week as my early season prediction comes to fruition. I predicted that Bo would have more wins than the Broncos. The orange helmeted horse team has 6 wins and after Sunday they will have 4 losses in a row. That 6-0 start will be about as surprising as a 6-10 finish.

This weeks proof that miracles do exist was evidenced by the Kamikaze turds lopsided victory of Señor Sarcasm. You almost scored a 100 points which is about as impressive as UNLV football's record which is amazingly similar to 3 of the teams in your division. Scott needs to pick his head up and get his swagger back. He's having a rough go of late and has lost 3 of 4 and 4 of the last 6 including losses to Keler and Gregg and the lone victory being a 1 point take down of Alan. You just upgraded big time by adding Randy Moss at the expense of a QB that you never play. If people have any brains at all they will decline that trade.

Let's reminisce for a moment shall we? Remember after week 4 when there were 4 undefeated teams? Alan was one of those teams and he said, "I have them right where I want them. I may lose a few games here and there, but I'm in perfect position to ride into the playoffs." Well his plan of losing a few here and there has turned into a 6 game losing streak including a loss of 1 point, 2 points and a tough loss to the worst team in the league after putting up 94 points. Erica can't even count that high, let alone score that many points. No wonder Alan's hair is falling out. I'd be stressing big time too if my team sucked that bad that many weeks in a row. While we'd all like to offer sympathy for your hair loss and poor team, the truth is karma has a wierd way of biting you in the balls.

Finally we come to the battle of division leaders where the porn star came up short in a critical matchup. Tony could have pulled out a lead in the division and flexed his muscle by telling the rest of the league which division is the best, but instead it was Doron who came away triumphant with the division lead and the victory. It will be interesting to see how things pan out the rest of the year. We'll see if Leo can spell his way back into contention, which loser will represent the gay division, and which of the four best teams in the league will be left out of the money. Good luck to all of you, unless your record is under .500.

Give the people what they want

I am a man of the people. And as that man, I will give you what you want. More sarcasm, more ridicule and more jokes pointed at Katie with her new nickname, "The ClockMaker." Why the ClockMaker? Because you ask her what time it is, and she'll tell you how to make a clock. It's late at night and I'm a little loopy so let's get started.

First of all, I like how Leo the loser is trying to start a revolution within the league by proposing a 6 team playoff. How self-centered are we Leo? It appears at this moment that you would NOT be one of the top 4 teams, so how wonderful an idea it would be for you to propose something that is not even possible. I know your other league has different capabilities, but keep in mind what Zylka's team name is; "This Site Sucks." And it truly does. Because we did not pay a $250 league fee, we can't use all the nice features that are available for free on sites like Yahoo or ESPN. That is reason number 1 why this site will NOT be used next year. I have other reasons, such as the scoring, functionality and cost. So anyway, even if it were unanimous, there is no possible way for us to alter the way our league is dictated. I know you are frustrated, so the best thing for you to do is to go home to your smoking hot wife and ridicule her. If that doesn't make you feel better than go clown on your kid who can't even walk or talk yet. As far as I'm concerned he's good for one thing right now and that's being a doorstop.

I had a roommate my freshman year in college that said all sorts of funny stuff. One of his favorite quotes was "If. If. If. If my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle." That is Alan's theme for the past two weeks and past 3 out of 5. He lost by 1 point two weeks ago and last week he lost by 2. The worst thing coming from Alan's mouth is the excuses of how Calvin Johnson sucks, or if Eagles don't suck cock, or whatever thing he comes up with. The truth of the matter is this; Alan beat up on the weakest division to start off with, and now he is tied for first with a record below .500 and Joyce is breathing down his neck (both literally and figuratively). My bold prediction is that Joyce wins that division and Gregg commits harakiri. Let's not be overly critical of Alan's team. Rather we should be loud and clear that Tony's team is the best in the league right now which is why he has won 6 games in a row and scored the most points.

The other guy making noise in the league is the Mamba who beat the hell out of the clockmaker and the rest of the league. Nice work by duping Joyce & the rest of the league by putting together a "fair" trade which netted you some serious players. Nice Ray Rice addition and Brandon Marshall is working out well too. Thank you for being so generous with your trade. In addition to duping the league into believing your trade was a fair one, you've also convinced the office to start working. The glory days were before you came to our region and we'd sit around playing strip poker and horseshoes with an occasional boccie ball mixed in. Now we have to do actual work and write the LP's & AAM's ourselves rather than outsourcing our work to India. Oh well, I guess this work thing is good for us, but time will tell. Katie - congrats to your Steelers for embarrassing the Broncos. Also, I swear if your mom grabs my butt again I'm going to grab her boob. OK, not really, but I'll expect a sushi lunch out of it. I may have a nice butt, but you can't just grab it without paying for it. I'm a male-whore.

Joyce is moving on up in the league. It's hard not to laugh after reading that, but sadly enough it's true. She lucked out by being in the worst division where you can be three games under .500 and still be 1 game out of first. If you take a realistic look at that division, you'll realize that Joyce is in prime position to take that division over. I don't care what happens, if she wins the league with a sub .500 record, she's not getting the money. Leo had a nice effort with more than 100 points but it was weak QB play that hurt you the most. You can't win em all so you might as well try to rig the system so you can "make things more exciting."

The surprise of the weak came when Keler beat Señor Sarcasm. All the witty remarks weren't enough to put you past the little guy on this one. Keler didn't even care enough to put in a full lineup and it was still enough to come away victorious. I have to admit that I prefer having Señor Sarcasm win because he is more likely to contribute various ideas to the blog. Unfortunately the sour grapes called defeat also caused a case of "writers block."

Bo... just because you don't work with us anymore doesn't mean you throw in the towel with your team. That being said, without you putting forth your best team, you still spanked the Japanese turds. It's been awhile since a team has gone from 1st to worst in such a quick time frame, but Gregg is showing us all how lucky he was to win last year, and how his knowledge of sports is only slightly higher than Mr. Call's. The main advantage in GG's corner is his ability to properly pronounce names. Then again, we may hear a few "Brent Far" references coming from GG's office sooner than later. It's too bad that you can't recall your entire team and start over again.

Finally we come to my match up where I had a bye week and still got a W. Thanks for at least putting in a full lineup Erica.

A few quick notes before I close:
1) There is a Thursday game starting this week and continuing on for the rest of the year (I believe). Be sure to check the schedule so you don't get screwed.
2) This site seriously does suck and will not be used next year.
3) Contrary to popular belief, I think this league is very exciting. Every division has shared ownership of first and with the exception of my division & Gregg, almost everybody else has a real chance of winning it all if you keep winning.

No title this week

There are some people in this league that do all they can to lose. Alan is a prime example of that guy. His team starts out 4-0. He claims that he has his division right where he wants them. He said that he could "take a few weeks off" and then he'd be ready for the playoffs and then in a cruel twist of irony, the armed robbery king was robbed yet again (this would be the 16th time), and this time by one of his beloved Lions, Calvin Johnson. Instead of suiting up, this Lion turned cowardly and chose not to suit up for Week 8. Nice contribution to the Blog Zylka and even nicer effort by doing as little as possible and still beating Alan by the foreskin on your teeth by one point.

Long and First absolutely embarrassed the illiterate stumpy & second. For the 3rd week in a row Tony put up some Dirk Digler type numbers and has proven that not only is he a porn-star, but a fantasy football star as well. He is tied for first in the toughest division in the league, and tied for the most points scored. Mr. Horrible-Comebacks was unable to climb back into this game by putting up a pitiful 53 spot. Mama said there'd be days like this but she didn't say that they would be so crappy!

After closing off his borders for many weeks, the Japanese Turd has made an appearance. It's not one that most people will care about since he only beat one of the other poor teams in the league to earn his 2nd victory, however what is noteworthy is that Gregg scored more than 100 points for the first time since week 2! It's about time you put something on the field worth playing. What's even crazier than Gregg winning is the fact that he and Joyce are both only 2 games out of first in their piss poor division with a real possibility of making the playoffs. I say that because it's only a matter of time before Alan flips off cbssports.com and gives up and soon Katie will begin the over analysis and end up starting 7 Pittsburg Steelers. Erica / CJ... I have nothing to say at this moment but I am disappointed.

It's amazing how sometimes zero effort can payoff in the form of a victory. It's almost as if Joyce was trying to lose this past week by playing David Garrard (a cancer) and a kicker & WR that were both on a bye week. Somehow she was still able to put up 112 points and beat up on Salt Lake City's finest SBA rep and Salt Lake City's worst fantasy football player. It was a valiant 98 point effort put up by Keler, but, like most things in his life, he came up just a little bit short.

Black Mamba held on for dear life as Bo & the Bucking Broncos had most of their key players on a bye week (including the dreamy Tom Brady & the Keler like Wes Welker). That's the beauty of fantasy football though. Some weeks you show up with your C-game and still leave a winner. Other weeks you put up massive numbers and walk away a loser. Speaking of losers... Bo- your Broncos lost for the first time this year last week and Doron your BoSox are on year #3 of 86 more years until another World Series is in beantown.

And finally we come to the game between the perverted polygamist flasher, devli worshiper, caveman's wife Katie and the village idiot. I say Village Idiot because only a retard would lose to Katie. But as it can happen, sometimes there aren't any moves you can make that would change the outcome. I asked Katie to explain the victory and this is what I got (Warning, like most of Katie's conversations, this one is way too long and goes nowhere very slowly): Well, going into the week I knew I wasn't going to have any of my Steelers which is funny because the last time the Steelers had a bye week in 2008 I think I was vacationing in Hawaii... no wait, maybe I was camping with my caveman husband... Oh, no. Yes, hmmm... yeah it was Hawaii, I remember because I went with my mother-in-law (who is also a cave-woman) while my husband went hunting and anyway I was really nervous because I didn't want to make the wrong move and accidentally drop a Steeler because that would be really bad luck. And believe you me I know about bad luck, just look at how paranoid I am. I think everything and everyone is against me. Anyway... blah blah blah blah blah (it went on like this for about 25 minutes before I pretended to get a phone call and I walked away while Katie talked to herself).

Short & Sweet

This weeks will be short. While I apologize to those readers whose highlight of the week comes from reading this blog, I am tired and running low on original material. Hopefully this shorter blog will inspire fresh ideas to keep you laughing for the rest of the season. So let's begin...

The quotes of the week have definitely been from Doron. On Friday he had a classic prediction; "Barely Legal will be Barely Alive when I'm done with him!" This Arnold Schwarzenegger - esque quote was slightly accurate. The Mamba hailed victorious but not in blow out fashion. Alan showed up to the fight with a handful of rocks and stupidly played an injured Cotchery while Mamba showed up with some hand-guns and rocket launchers. This victory wasn't quite Israeli special forces worthy, but it was good enough.

I'm proud of Erica. I really am. You won't ever read this blog to know it but I'm proud of you because you actually took an interest in your fantasy team this week. It was a good time to do it too because you faced Joyce and her horrible team. Nice trade by the way. Way to get weaker than you already are. Erica, congrats on your victory but in reality you shouldn't look forward to many more. The eye of your prize should remain focused on the running Rebels. Go UNLV!

Katie has officially sold her soul to the devil. Here's how it went. Good 'ol Lucifer shows up (he actually prefers Lucy) and says I'd like to have your soul. What will it cost? Since Katie is not that bright she asks for about 5 weeks to think it over. During that time Lucy shows up repeatedly with ideas of fortune, fame, a transformation of his caveman husband to Tom Brady or Rothlesburger or both. After over analyzing it to death in typical Katie fashion she settles on a "hot streak in fantasy football". This was the easiest deal the devil ever cut and Katie no longer has a soul, but she does have an up and coming fantasy football team. Bo... this was a tough week for you so we'll take it easy on you for now.

Something nice happened over the weekend. Señor Sarcasm had his second piece of humble pie. This time it came from Long & First. Tony put up massive numbers for the second week in a row to lead all teams in scoring. Tony is putting himself in the running to be one of the top teams in the league. He is tied for the second best record and is currently the man that would take the wild card if the season ended today. What's even better than Tony's victory is the fact that the Yankees are back in the World Series after a 6 year absence. Finally baseball is worth watching in October.

The funniest matchup of the week is that Leo got insulted in a number of ways this past week. First Leo tried to be a funny man and got bitten by a snake. Mr. Mamba's insults were hilarious except for the part about Leo's sister being a whore in New Orleans. Turns out Leo's sister has autism and the likelihood of her being a street walker are about the same as me becoming CEO of WAL. To make matters even worse in Leo's world, he got beat by some kid in junior high with one of the worst teams in the league. That was some solid work by Keler and his friends in Algebra I. Putting up 103 points and leaving more on the bench is no joke. Good luck on your mid-term exams coming up. Let me know if you need any help with your Spanish homework.

Finally we come to my game. There never was much of a chance for Gregg and his pathetic excuse of a team. I think it's about time the gloves come off and Gregg gets his fair share of insults. (Keep in mind that it's 12:30 am and I'm not thinking that coherently.) Gregg - we want you to be successful in this league and in life, so here is some advice. 1) Get plastic surgery done on your eyes. Part of the reason your Fantasy Football analysis is so flawed is because you can't see all that the computer screen has to offer. If you had Adriane look at the stats with you, you would fair better. 2) Lose some weight. Let's be honest here. You are really fat and your lack of exercise and discipline is NOT making matters easier for you. There is so much fat in your body that it's actually blocking your brain from properly thinking. 3) Take some golf lessons. You are horrible. Not quite sure how this translates over to fantasy football. and 4) Stop lying to yourself and others. It's time you stop telling yourself that it's a good idea to keep Fred Jackson on your team. It's time you stop telling loan committee that certain deals you're working on are viable when you know and I know that most of the numbers on your LP are fictional. You need to take an honest look at your team and realize that you need to blow it up and start over.

There is one thing that I like about the cbssports website. It is this feature. If you look at the site, it shows how your record is against the other teams and how it would be if you matched up against them during the other weeks. Both Zylka and I are the only teams that have a winning record against every other team. I thought I might point that out.

Finally, and on a serious note I would like to say something to Bo. I have worked with you for the past 3 plus years. It has been a pleasure to work with you and to get to know you and your family. Thank you for your hardwork on the various projects you worked on and for handling yourself with class and dignity. I'll miss your bright cheery outfits with nails to match. I'm sure you'll get back on your feet and find work soon. Best of luck to you.

I'm seriously embarrassed

A few of you have gently and others not so gently told me that I'm down right rude, crude and mean-spirited. I learned from a wise woman that my gut instinct is what I should go with. I'm not about to take a sensitivity training course, but I will be more considerate of those who may be near suicidal because your fantasy football teams SUCK and you can't take a little bit of joking. To those of you that are not sensitive, you will have to feel extra wrath for me holding back on the butterflies of the group.

The first match up to be discussed is between the Black Mamba & Vick's Puppy Store. Most of the time when black mamba faces a dog, the snake will hail victorious. This week however, what was expected to happen did not happen. It seems that this October is spookier than normal and people like Doron will hate life even more as the month progresses. The only thing that could make Doron's life worse is if he came home and found his wife wearing this.

The next clown session won't be that good because I was unable to dedicate enough time to it. Since I'm not in the office for 40 hours a week, I wasn't really able to think of enough funny things to say to the guy who said he cashes his paycheck at Wal-Mart. That's right Alan; you. You got beat down by Leo's illiterate team and even worse you failed to put in a complete lineup. The biggest atrocity that you committed may be the fact that you don't realize that once you leave for the day at 2:30, the rest of the office doesn't go home. Most of us stay until at least 5pm, while a handful actually stick around until 5:05. I think what most of us really want out of you though Alan is a real effort. For the love. You're in the worst division in the league. There is no reason why you shouldn't be dominating it more than you already are. At least take the time to fill in your roster. What is being overlooked in this paragraph is the fact that Leo has put in a solid performance three weeks in a row. He's not used to being "Mr. Stamina" so let's not get too excited about his win streak, but we'll congratulate him on what he's done. 125 points is no joke!.

The next winner isn't used to being congratulated. Since that's the case, we'll do it subtly and with lots of tongue in cheek. Here goes nothing: We are so proud of you Keler. You had a great weekend. Not only did you beat the worst team in the league, you also lost your man-card. Seriously! You took your wife to see Justin Timberlake? It's one thing if he's hosting the ESPY's or another if he's hosting SNL , but that as a weekend date with the wife is not the best of ideas. Gregg... Your team is horrible. You have no hope. We thought the match up would look something like this, but instead it looked like this. Thanks for your $25 donation.

Bo got back in gear this weekend. It's a good thing she was out "sick" the whole week with "swine flu" because it allowed her some quality one on one time with cbssports.com to get her team in line. Nice 125 point effort there. It's too bad that you got all of those points against a dud of an opponent. Seriously Erica... 53 points? Come on! You're like a really bad stunt double. You're right Bo, I can't dog your Brady - Welker combo. They were a freak of nature.

Next we come to Señor Sarcasm against the oblivious. I want Joyce to win and be successful. After all, she's done wonderful things for the bank and is great to work with and at the beginning of the year she talked a lot about knowing what she was doing. As it turns out she possibly has the best pool of talent that sits on the bench every week. She's got a great pool of running backs that she hoards and rather than trading them for some much needed WR help. Come on Joyce... you're better than this! As for Señor Sarcasm, you survived this week after thinking the Raiders were going to lie down like a bunch of pirate hookers and allow McNabb to go off. Congrats on your victory and on being a part of the one loss club.

Finally we go to Long and First who was against the lady whose excuse for not putting in a full lineup is that she would rather party with a bunch of complete strangers then go to church with her husband (even though she thinks organized religion is a joke) and not even access her IPhone during the pastor's boring sermon to make a few last minute lineup changes. COME ON KATIE! Why have an IPhone with a limited 3G network if you're not going to use it? Tony is living in a dream world right now. How could life get any better? The Yanks are up 3-1 and about to beat the Angels, the Bo-Sox are out of the playoffs, he has the best portfolio in the bank, his hair is starting to grow back, and on top of all of that his record is 4-2 and he is in a great position to win the wild-card playoff spot. This is where I should mention that Katie left a slew of points on the bench by having bye week players in, but because I'm going to be more sensitive, I won't state plainly that that was a BONEHEAD move.

Depression is very serious

This week's blog will start off how last week's should have. A note of congratulations is in order for Joyce. Many of you may know that Joyce recently gave her daughter away in the form of marriage and we are very happy for you. Joyce told me all about the wedding and how wonderful it was. Not sure if you guys have seen the pictures yet so I thought I'd post them on the blog for you to check out. Congratulations again Joyce, they truly look like a happy couple that are made for each other.

A handful of our fellow fantasy footballers may be feeling the blues lately. They may have run out of hope and feel that all is lost. For those of you who may be feeling that way (i.e. Joyce, Gregg, Bo, CJ / Erica, & Keler), know that in your case, there really shouldn't be that much hope. Your teams suck, and you suck too. You'd probably be better off staying home popping zits rather than wasting your time with this fantasy football thing. But the truth of it is we appreciate your zeal and your go-get'em attitude which makes nothing impossible.

Katie should have been included in the loser list but she decided to make the impossible a possibility as she rocked Zylka's world. Ms. Pitt's made every move the right move and scored the most points in week 5. Señor Sarcasm wasn't sure what just hit him but he knows it now. It was Katie's boobs as she flaunted them for a polygamist man and his many wives as they walked out of the Costco in St. George. Not sure why Zylka & Katie were there together, but I'm 100% sure of what happened. Zylka never saw it coming and it's something that he'll never forget. To Señor Sarcasms credit, he made a handful of great moves to get that close but he chose wrong on RB & QB and it cost him his Patriotic chance of perfection.

The winner of this weeks Loser Bowl was Bo as she outsmarted and outclassed Joyce. Had Joyce played her cards right, she could've scored 95 points, but that's a silly thought to think that Joyce would play her cards right. Meanwhile the Bucking Broncos got daring and benched Brady and played Rothleshamburglar. A move that paid immediate dividends. Way to go Bo! You now have 2 wins. Joyce, keep your head up, at least you'll have Julius Jones on your bench (assuming our trade goes through).

Long and First took a new approach to things this week. He actually tried to lose which is why he started Derek Anderson who came through with negative 2 points. Unfortunately for Tony, the rest of his team didn't fall in line and they put up an ugly 82 points which was enough to outscore CJ & his Rams. What's really sad is that if you put up CJ's points from Sunday, and combine them with the Ram's points scored so far this year, CJ would barely eek out a win. This probably hurts extra because CJ is a Rams fan too.

There was a highly anticipated matchup this week that consisted of much trash talk. I call it the battle of man vs midget in which the Zohan beat the metrosexual. Rumor has it that the movie "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" was inspired by the Black Mamba. He too was the "greatest Israeli soldier" but he had bigger dreams. So the Mamba followed his heart into the banking world with a commitment to the Isreali government that he would return on occasion to wipe his butt with insubordinate Palestinians and other radical leaders. (Not sure why those two are holding hands... that could be saucey!) Anyway, back to the game. Keler put up a valiant 98 point effort but the lesson to be learned is you don't bring a knife to a gun fight. Don't get too down on yourself though Keler. You put up 98 points and that's impressive. Your team is starting to look better and with a little bit of luck and some pixie dust you might win a few more games before the season is over.

Sometimes in life you got a hunch on how things are going to turn out. Gregg and his kamikaze turds do not have that hunch. Their gut feeling is the wrong feeling. Every move you make is the wrong move and the office would appreciate it if you'd start sharing your hot-stock tips so we can promptly do the opposite. The local spelling bee champion is starting to make a move as he is 3-2 with 2 impressive wins in a row. The future Father of the Year is recovering quite well after being the first surrogate father since Arnold in Junior. (Seriously though, I can't believe your wife just had a baby. She looks great!, and the baby was cute too.)

Finally we come to the matchup which pitted two division leaders against each other. Problem is Alan and most of his players were on a fantasy vacation with Terry Tate and were unable to participate in the game. This resulted in an old fashion beatdown with Alan immediately claiming that he only lost because he no longer cared. Amazing how a guy with a 4-1 record no longer cares.

A quote from a loser: "Winning isn't everything"

I hate to do this (not really) but I think next year we're going to cut back from 12 teams to 10. I say this mainly because there are a few teams that seem to talk big, but when the time comes to do simple things like put in a complete lineup, they fall to pieces. I'm not mentioning anyone in particular, but if I were "The Foreigner" or "Fogetaboutit" I might keep my day job.

I usually reserve my game for last but I figured we should get this debacle out of the way at first. There's nothing like having a beat down take place and being able to take it like a man. I however am not much of a man so I took this beating kicking and screaming like the "man-cardless" man that I am. The Shimrp (intentional spelling error) got the best of me and treated me like a rag doll. To Leo's credit he embarrassed me with some crafty waiver wire pickups including Sims-Walker and Coffee. The moves should be no brainers. Afterall, anyone with two last names is either crazy or powerful and if your name is Coffee you know you'll have energy. Thank you Leo for applying a walloping, I only hope I can have another some time soon.

This week there were some things in fantasy football land that were absolutely hideous. I'm talking really ugly. It was Joyce's performance this week with a whopping 41 points. Rather than continue with the easy insults (since I can already here the weak excuses) I will in turn give props to Mr. Long & First. You were the ultimate winner in Week 4. You got your junk all up in Joyce's face and metaphorically said "I'm so much bigger & better than you that you, your reserves & yo mama can't even get up on dis!" Way to go cowboy!

As I reread some of the earlier blogs I think I may have gotten ahead of myself on a few things. One of the biggest mistakes made was giving Katie credit earlier on for having made good moves. A closer look reveals that she not only hasn't made good moves, but that her team is like a cancer that is growing a foot inside her head causing her to have headaches. The combined output from all your WR, even the one on the bench was 6 points, and none of them were on a bye week. The move of the week goes to Hey Reb. It must've been tough to cheer for the 49ers defense as they slaughtered the Rams, but at least it helped you earn your second win of the season.

I guess we should next talk about Barely Legal and his 4-0 band of hoochie mamas. Alan is playing things cool like Peyton Manning. He doesn't have the best looking team on paper, but he's been able to beat down the slugs that he's played thus far. This week he was lucky enough to face the "town idiot" of the league. That's right Mr. SBA Foreigner himself who is damaging his CDC's image rather than enhancing it. Any hope of us using this CDC is directly impacted by Mr. SBA's performance within this league. What makes you think you can handle a simple SBA loan if you can't even manage a fantasy football team? See the discussion from week 2 on glass ceilings and apply it to yourself. Meanwhile, if Alan keeps kicking butt and goes 16-0 he will win a trip to meet Mr. Manning himself. And if the Foreigner keeps this piss poor effort up then Terry Tate (you have to see this one on youtube) will soon beat him down!

The Black Mamba is back with a vengeance. The Japanese Turds are now a mere Hershey Squirt. The only thing worse then your 55 point output is the fact that the company is relying on your analysis now more than ever and this is the effort we get out of you on a fantasy football level?!?! My message to Senior Management is this, be very careful of what Gregg recommends because if he's using the same thought process on the lease packages as his fantasy team then it's time to sell our stock. Mad props to Mr. Mamba for the smackdown applied. (Now I will exercise Blogger freedoms) The joy you felt with this victory is the same feelings that will spread thoughout Anaheim as the Angels finally get their revenge in the ALDS.

The last game of the blog is the Little Ponies vs. Señor Sarcasm. In this battle Scott took a ride on a midget horse but that's all the horsepower needed to beat up on the vacationing Bo. A few different moves by Bo, namely benching Bush and playing Adai could have reaped you victory, however you remain a loser. Scott's performance wasn't anything to write home about but it was enough to win, and sometimes that's good enough.

Week 3 (this time with love)

After reviewing one of the books that I recently read, I have realized that I am not “winning friends and influencing people” through my sarcastic (albeit witty) blog. My wife pointed out that the comments made within the blog may one day come back to bite be in the balls. I can imagine the press conference, “City Councilman Haldeman, you stated in a blog in September 2009 that women are only good for being pregnant and barefoot. Why would you say that?” To which I would reply, “When Katie’s grandma grabs your butt, you begin to feel an empowerment that gives you the liberty to say things that are hurtful, but not true. I wish to apologize to any of the barefoot & pregnant women that may have taken offense to my remarks and simultaneously give them kudos for learning how to read.“ Anyway, on to the football blog and the clowning as I continue to dig a deeper hole while making myself more and more un-electable with each posting.

The person in the league most likely not to win “Father of the Year” is Leo. (Congrats by the way on the new addition.) What does Leo do immediately following the birth of his son? He loses, plays an inactive receiver and then immediately blames the loss on his son (see his posting on the league’s homepage where he states “Gavin Schafer plays fantasy football for the first time”). It’s one thing to be busy with family things and not get to your fantasy football league, but it’s quite another to throw your 1 day old son under the bus and blame him for the loss. Even he is smart enough to make the appropriate changes before the games start, we think. While the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, let’s hope that your son can avoid the “sloppy office syndrome” that plagued you. I should now congratulate the winner of this beatdown (Hey Reb) but since both Erica & CJ are “too busy” (Erica’s words) to really care about this league there will be no congratulatory remarks here.

My next comments will only be of sincere praise to the lovely, perky, bright and cheery Joyce Fogetaboutit. You absolutely slaughtered the Japanese Turd. You did it while starting a RB that had been declared injured for the day, but not even that could slow down the J-Train. I may have been hard on you for some of your whacky moves, which may begin to show that you are more than a smoking hot babe and that your brain was using analytical skills for those moves that nobody on planet earth could comprehend. In addition to your skills as a fantasy player, you showed us that you are quite the computer guru as well as you were able to get a logo for your team. As for the Turd-man, he stunk it up as expected. That was quite the 60 point effort you put out and even more impressive is 1) the fact that your bench outscored your starters 2) you got 2 points total from your WR and 3) you still haven’t started Willis McGahee. You may consider consulting with Joyce before you make any more stupid moves.

The Puff Adder snake has been downgraded to a rattlesnake. There is some venom in the bite, but when you are matched up against a hemorrhoid like the sarcastic Zylka, you need to pack more of a punch. Your 89 point output was valiant and good enough for the 4th most of the week, but unfortunately you faced a formidable opponent, not a worthless bum like Turd-man. Señor Sarcastic – congrats on the victory and on joining one of three teams in the 3-0 club.

In the embarrassing matchup of the week the Foreigner got humiliated by the Bucking Broncos. The part that makes this loss especially embarrassing is that the Foreigner started the wrong Saints running back. Had he read the CBS report any time during the week, he would have realized that Bell is done and Thomas is in. The only thing worse than Keler’s loss is the fact that I enjoy this website as much as I do. Congrats on the win Bo. It’s amazing that you, unlike Katie (see below) are able to multi-task. Meaning you are able to vacation and play fantasy football simultaneously.

The reason why Katie lost this week is the same reason why the Steelers lost. That reason is 1) they’re really not that good and 2) lack of attention to detail. I can already here the retort from Katie… “I didn’t have access to the internet… I was camping & fishing… blah blah blah…” To which I would reply, “That’s what you get for marrying a caveman husband that doesn’t realize you can go fishing and hiking and stay at a bed & breakfast or a cabin. This way you don’t stink like Warren the whole time and you can make adjustments to your lineup.” To which Katie would reply, “I know… you’re right… Isn’t it weird that my grandma grabbed your butt?” And the answer to that is: Yes. Yes, it is weird that your grandma grabbed my butt and even more weird than that is that I enjoyed it. Congratulations Mr. Fitzhugh. Not only are you cleansed of your sins (well probably not too clean now since it’s been a day since Yom Kippur), but now you are part of the exclusive 3-0 club. You keep playing the Jew Card and you might luck your way into a championship. Then again what’ll happen is in typical Jew fashion you’ll have a couple of losses, you’ll start to whine & complain and then end up wandering in the fantasy football-land desert for 40 years. Enjoy that manna. It’s unleavened!

Finally Long and First became the third to fall victim of Vick’s Puppy Pound as he is the third member of the 3-0 club. I don’t want to be too harsh because Tony has already threatened to beat me down, burn my house and eat my unborn children if I’m relentless in my verbal attack. And since I firmly believe that the pen is NOT mightier than the sword, rather than being rude I’ll simply congratulate Tony on being a formidable opponent. By formidable I mean an opponent that simply sucked. Hopefully you’ll have better luck next week against the new & improved Joyce.

And you wonder why there's a glass ceiling!

Here are a few interesting facts from Week 2. 1) All of the girls in the league lost (No, Tony is not a girl, but he did lose, but had he faced a girl he would've won). 2) The girls all had the lowest scores of the week. So because the ladies are inept at fantasy football you are now subject to some woman bashing. You want to know why most women make less than men when in the same position? Want to know why there are fewer women CEO's then men? Want to know why you should have your right to vote taken away? Want to know why you should be staying at home, barefoot & pregnant while making us men some food and then pleasing us in the bedroom? The answer to all of those questions is the same... because you can not handle a simple task such as managing a fantasy football team. Yes, it really is that simple! To elaborate further on this please check with Ron Burgandy

Fogetaboutit is a prime example by forgetting things like the following:
- Picking up a free agent quarterback is supposed to get you points (Jeff Garcia is not a good idea).
- The purpose of playing fantasy football is to outscore your opponent, not get hammered like an 18 year old drunk.
- When it’s your turn to bring breakfast into the morning meeting, that means you bring breakfast. It's ok though Joyce, we all have those moments. Some refer to them as "Senior Moments" but when they become a habit, it just means your old & senile. Congrats to Mr. Fitzgerald. You're 2-0 and really excited about life. Your receivers suck and so does your bench but you've had some good play from a few people each time to make you a winner. And when you're closing in on 50 sometimes that's good enough.

I'd better address the Black Mamba issue now because he was not too happy about last weeks post. The truth of it is when your team sucks, you need to hear about it and be referred to as a garden snake. But when your team opens up a can, then you deserve to have your gardner snake nickname taken back and have a more potent snake nickname returned. While your performance was impressive, it wasn't quite Black Mamba-ish enough. This week you'll be upgraded to an Adder Snake. To you Hey Reb... it's quite possible that you have the worst team in Fantasy Football land. I know that Erica will claim that she has nothing to to with the league and that it's CJ's team, but the truth is she can't back out of it that easy, unless of course you're ok with the proverbial glass ceiling.

The other guy deserving some props this week is Mr. SBA himself. It's not that much fun making fun of you because half the people in the league don't realize that you look like a mini-metrosexual, so please come in and introduce yourself to them so they know what they're laughing at when you decide to put Carson Palmer back in the rotation. You came up big against a formidable opponent and put up the 2nd most points for the week. Quite a difference compared to your impotent effort in week 1 when you took sleeping pills instead of Viagra. Long and First got outplayed by short and second in this one despite a 97 point output. I'm sure Tony is used to disappointments by this time in his life. If he wasn't used to them before his BON life, he's used to them now. It can't get more disappointing then taking over two of the worst portfolios in the bank and then having to sit in Warren's old office which is a cespool for a number of germs & diseases that haven't been discovered yet.

Katie, the Steelers lost, so you deserve to lose too. The truth is you are so much better this year than you were last year that it's hard to clown on you. Joyce should use you as a case study because you were seriously that bad last year. Thank heavens you've pulled your head out of your butt because you're better than that. The Japanese Kamakazi Turds have been desperate as of late to pick up a new WR. Word has it that he's willing to part with Willis McGahee for next to nothing. MC emailed to see if you would trade Willis for Larry Rice or possibly Brent Far (to those of you who don't find this funny, you need to know that MC (a guy that used to work here) once referred to the Super Bowl as the "Super Serpies" and pronounced Brett Farve's name wrong all the time. He also got a Bear Claw and an apple fritter confused. He also moonlights as a chef, Gap worker, pottery barn employee, bad father and worse husband.) Anyway, congrats on the Victory Turd man. You were able to do all this while holding down a regular job, making snow cones in the evening and pulling off a fantasy football victory. That's why there is no glass ceiling for Asian Men (except when it comes to being porn stars).

Mr. Miserable Sarcasm beat up Leo this week. In a way it's payback for leaving that many piss poor loans on his desk as he left for SAG. In a way sweet justice will be Zylka's because not only did he win, but most of those loans may eventually make their way back to Leo. While there's nothing too funny about this, there is something pretty funny associated with this clip. And the even funnier part is that the person for whom this video clip was intended, will be unable to view it because UTube & bank computers are not compatible and Mr. Zylka has surpassed even me in cheapness by having a dial-up internet connection in his house. That's about as sad as Gregg's cheap cable (channels 2 - 17) and the fact that Doron's penny pinching collection was able to cover the league's entrance fee.

Finally we come to my game. The game that most nobody cares about which is evident in the fact that 1) I saved it for last and 2) Bo didn't even seem to care either hence her 46 point output. For some people an autodraft was a good idea, you Bo, may have been one of those people. I like the fact that you decided to take the bull by the horns and draft to your hearts content. The rest of the men that will beat you are happy too because you not only provide us a win, but you also give us another example as to why women are inferior in basically every aspect of life except for child-birth (however if Men could do that, we'd probably be better than women too. See the movie Junior with Arnold as exhibit A).

Now that I've sealed my fate as the biggest jerk in the office. I hope you had a good laugh and we'll see you next week.

Week 1

Welcome to the first blog of the new fantasy football year. Some things take time to get into midseason form, like LT and the Chargers, others however, do not, like Mr. Haldeman and his mad blogging skills. On that note, let the clowning begin.

We'll start off with the most obvious target, that being the "Black Mamba" who got downgraded to a regular old garden snake. Most of the venom left the snake once the draft was over and he realized that not only did Leo outdraft him with the last picks of the draft but that his team SUCKS! To make things better though at least you picked up Bernard Berrian who has been equivalent to unfulfilled dreams the past 2-3 years in fantasy land. Kudos to Mr. Mamba however. He did honor his word by paying up his entry fee. He has been so good at pinching pennies that he actually created 2,500 of them. Mr. Schafer has proven that once again he is a force to be reckoned in both fantasy land and when it comes to using a keyboard. Often in his excitement he forgets how to properly spell words, and his team name is a prime example (review any emails he's sent you for other examples). Congrats on your first victory of the season "Shirmpy".

This week's exciting girl on girl matchup showed us that 1) Katie isn't as dumb as she was last year, and 2) Joyce is as dumb as Katie was last year. Someone needed to fill that role and Joyce seems like a prime candidate (as well as Erica's husband and "the foreigner" who also made a handful of poor decisions, but we'll get to those later). Just a piece of advice Joyce; probably not a good idea to pick up a good wide receiver in Justin Gage, only to turn around and drop him, then to start some rookie who didn't even see the ball all day. I do like the bold move you took in starting a rookie QB. That shows that you've got some balls. Katie showed that she was thinking with the wrong brain when she started Willie Parker over Derrick Ward. It is a mistake that you will continue to make throughout the year, so on behalf of the teams that will beat you later on, thank you for your bad decisions. I don't want to be too negative on Katie after posting a victory so instead let's extend a congrats on your first of a few wins. It only took you like 5 weeks to get that last year, and it came against a guy that thought a fantasy football league had something to do with soccer.

Speaking of soccer, the Nippon Daihyo (Japanese Turds) did battle against a former soccer coach who apparently is barely legal. The turds thought they had it won with small deficit heading into the final game and a volatile wide reciever playing on Monday night. Turns out that TO didn't catch squat in the first half and he is already unhappy, just like Doron is unhappy with his crappy picks. Don't be too concerned with your slow start Mr. Turd, because last year you started out 0-2 and came back to win the whole thing once you realized that Carson Palmer was a bum. Plus, Alan is interested in the league now, but when he loses the next few matchups, he'll realize that half his team is either injured or on a bye week or plain out sucks and then claim that he never cared to begin with and start fantasizing about next year. Solid play out of Alan's defense sealed the victory but if you take that away, you'll realize that Alan's team is full of bums, just like his office mates.

Long and First hit things hard to get the year started off right by putting a beating on the Bucking Broncos. Just an early season prediction, but I bet that Bo will have as many victories as her beloved Broncos. Right now Bo is losing that contest but there is still time to pick up a victory or two as the season progresses. I'm looking forward to much bigger things from Long and First.

Mr. Sarcasm returned to his days of old by scoring the most points (we're only talking about fantasy football) in week 1. Last year you scored the most points throughout the year but that was only good enough for a 6th place finish. It would appear that your luck has changed as you not only scored the most points in week 1, but your opponent, Erica & the Hey Reb clan seemed to be inept and incompetent by scoring the fewest points. Chris Chambers was not a good pickup and unfortunately LT may not have been good either. This could be a long, hard (That's what she said)season ahead for Hey Reb. For those of you who hate the gloating and haugtiness of Mr. Zylka, find solace in knowing that 1) he truly is miserable and 2) his quarterback busted a rib, and is acting like a baby. Favre is his backup and last time Erica checked, he was retired, but apparently he's playing again but it's only a matter of time until he'll need a hip replacement.

Finally, I come to my game where a beat down occurred. I don't want to be too harsh on "The Foreigner" who not only succeeded in picking the gayest possible name for a team, but then failed to show up for a draft, and then scored the 2nd fewest points in the league. His main flaw was starting Carson Palmer who sucks. The other flaws included starting the backup running back to AP (that's Adrian Peterson, the best back in the league, see Zylka's score for evidence), starting Carson Palmer at QB and starting Carson Palmer at QB. Since you probably sucked in your other leagues too, let me give you some advice (Gregg will second it): DON'T HAVE CARSON PALMER ON YOUR TEAM. You'd get more mileage by having Kevin Kolb! The part of this ribbing that feels so good is that when we desperately pleaded to have you join the league, you responded by saying that you would "feel bad for stealing our money." Well, as of week 1, we hope that your guilt trip isn't harrowing up too many pains because frankly your team sucks worse than a bunch of girls at a lollypop stand.

Don't worry though losers. That's right, I said LOSERS! And by losers I meant Bronco lady, Garden Snake, Hey Reb, Foreigner, Sushimon, and Alzheimer's lady, the sun will come up tomorrow and you have a chance at redemption next week. Hopefully you'll learn from your mistakes like starting Carson Palmer, or by not properly looking into the future to see who would perform. Do us all a favor and call 888-303-5280 and get some advice.

Until next week...