Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Tick Tock

What a bizarre week it was. Every team that won, with the exception of the albino mamba, had a losing record. It's just one of the wierd things that can happen in a fantasy league. Kind of like how horrible one of the divisions is in this league. Here's what's crazy; The Japanese Kamakazi Turds are 1 game out of first with a 3-7 record! The thought that he could actually make the playoffs is frightening considering that he statistically has the 2nd worse team. The only other team statistically worse is Hey Reb, which is considered a bye week in 48 of the states. Only Hawaii and Alaska recognize Hey Reb as an actual fantasy team and that's because they haven't received their certified letters yet.

This weeks "somebody has to win it" game was between the clockmaker and the guy that nobody knows. The best part about this game is that because Katie lost, there is now a three way (Alan will like this) tie between The Jew, The Gentile and the devil worshipper. The mormon is trying to get involved by being a game out, but as Erica will vouch, Mormon's aren't really christians and shouldn't be considered a religion, they are really more of a devil worshipping, kool-aid drinking, child molesting cult. (Which may be true depending on who you ask. Other things that may be true are: Mormons still practice polygamy, have horns, and they make some mean homemade bread... Oh wait...The child molestion part isn't true, that one goes to the Catholics and their overly friendly priests with a hands on approach to "sex education".) I digress...

The other embarrassment of the week was Vick's Puppy Store who laid an egg against the future league champion, Joyce. Her slow start won't hold her down as she is now storming ahead within her piss poor division. She has the two hottest running backs in the game and she's scoring more points than she's ever scored in her life. Watch out for Joyce as she is the 2nd hottest team in the league with 3 consecutive wins (not bad when you have 4 wins total) and she's also the hottest team owner.

The spelling bee champ may be regretting his trade now that word has spread that Dwayne Bowe will be suspended for 4 games due to substance abuse. It's tough when you can't have the Chief's leading receiver & touchdown man since 2007. Not having him for 4 weeks will be enough to knock you out of contention for good. Trading Moss away for Schaub is next to stupid and a bit of an overreaction, but not as stupid as trading Larry Johnson for Drew Brees like you did last year. Speaking of stupid... the other thing that is stupid is that you never look at cbssports.com at work. We appreaciate your newfound work ethic, but seriously, even Doron spends half his day on that sight.

The Bucking Broncos smacked down the misspelled Shimrpees by putting up the most points in the league for the week as my early season prediction comes to fruition. I predicted that Bo would have more wins than the Broncos. The orange helmeted horse team has 6 wins and after Sunday they will have 4 losses in a row. That 6-0 start will be about as surprising as a 6-10 finish.

This weeks proof that miracles do exist was evidenced by the Kamikaze turds lopsided victory of SeƱor Sarcasm. You almost scored a 100 points which is about as impressive as UNLV football's record which is amazingly similar to 3 of the teams in your division. Scott needs to pick his head up and get his swagger back. He's having a rough go of late and has lost 3 of 4 and 4 of the last 6 including losses to Keler and Gregg and the lone victory being a 1 point take down of Alan. You just upgraded big time by adding Randy Moss at the expense of a QB that you never play. If people have any brains at all they will decline that trade.

Let's reminisce for a moment shall we? Remember after week 4 when there were 4 undefeated teams? Alan was one of those teams and he said, "I have them right where I want them. I may lose a few games here and there, but I'm in perfect position to ride into the playoffs." Well his plan of losing a few here and there has turned into a 6 game losing streak including a loss of 1 point, 2 points and a tough loss to the worst team in the league after putting up 94 points. Erica can't even count that high, let alone score that many points. No wonder Alan's hair is falling out. I'd be stressing big time too if my team sucked that bad that many weeks in a row. While we'd all like to offer sympathy for your hair loss and poor team, the truth is karma has a wierd way of biting you in the balls.

Finally we come to the battle of division leaders where the porn star came up short in a critical matchup. Tony could have pulled out a lead in the division and flexed his muscle by telling the rest of the league which division is the best, but instead it was Doron who came away triumphant with the division lead and the victory. It will be interesting to see how things pan out the rest of the year. We'll see if Leo can spell his way back into contention, which loser will represent the gay division, and which of the four best teams in the league will be left out of the money. Good luck to all of you, unless your record is under .500.

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