Week 3 (this time with love)

After reviewing one of the books that I recently read, I have realized that I am not “winning friends and influencing people” through my sarcastic (albeit witty) blog. My wife pointed out that the comments made within the blog may one day come back to bite be in the balls. I can imagine the press conference, “City Councilman Haldeman, you stated in a blog in September 2009 that women are only good for being pregnant and barefoot. Why would you say that?” To which I would reply, “When Katie’s grandma grabs your butt, you begin to feel an empowerment that gives you the liberty to say things that are hurtful, but not true. I wish to apologize to any of the barefoot & pregnant women that may have taken offense to my remarks and simultaneously give them kudos for learning how to read.“ Anyway, on to the football blog and the clowning as I continue to dig a deeper hole while making myself more and more un-electable with each posting.

The person in the league most likely not to win “Father of the Year” is Leo. (Congrats by the way on the new addition.) What does Leo do immediately following the birth of his son? He loses, plays an inactive receiver and then immediately blames the loss on his son (see his posting on the league’s homepage where he states “Gavin Schafer plays fantasy football for the first time”). It’s one thing to be busy with family things and not get to your fantasy football league, but it’s quite another to throw your 1 day old son under the bus and blame him for the loss. Even he is smart enough to make the appropriate changes before the games start, we think. While the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, let’s hope that your son can avoid the “sloppy office syndrome” that plagued you. I should now congratulate the winner of this beatdown (Hey Reb) but since both Erica & CJ are “too busy” (Erica’s words) to really care about this league there will be no congratulatory remarks here.

My next comments will only be of sincere praise to the lovely, perky, bright and cheery Joyce Fogetaboutit. You absolutely slaughtered the Japanese Turd. You did it while starting a RB that had been declared injured for the day, but not even that could slow down the J-Train. I may have been hard on you for some of your whacky moves, which may begin to show that you are more than a smoking hot babe and that your brain was using analytical skills for those moves that nobody on planet earth could comprehend. In addition to your skills as a fantasy player, you showed us that you are quite the computer guru as well as you were able to get a logo for your team. As for the Turd-man, he stunk it up as expected. That was quite the 60 point effort you put out and even more impressive is 1) the fact that your bench outscored your starters 2) you got 2 points total from your WR and 3) you still haven’t started Willis McGahee. You may consider consulting with Joyce before you make any more stupid moves.

The Puff Adder snake has been downgraded to a rattlesnake. There is some venom in the bite, but when you are matched up against a hemorrhoid like the sarcastic Zylka, you need to pack more of a punch. Your 89 point output was valiant and good enough for the 4th most of the week, but unfortunately you faced a formidable opponent, not a worthless bum like Turd-man. Señor Sarcastic – congrats on the victory and on joining one of three teams in the 3-0 club.

In the embarrassing matchup of the week the Foreigner got humiliated by the Bucking Broncos. The part that makes this loss especially embarrassing is that the Foreigner started the wrong Saints running back. Had he read the CBS report any time during the week, he would have realized that Bell is done and Thomas is in. The only thing worse than Keler’s loss is the fact that I enjoy this website as much as I do. Congrats on the win Bo. It’s amazing that you, unlike Katie (see below) are able to multi-task. Meaning you are able to vacation and play fantasy football simultaneously.

The reason why Katie lost this week is the same reason why the Steelers lost. That reason is 1) they’re really not that good and 2) lack of attention to detail. I can already here the retort from Katie… “I didn’t have access to the internet… I was camping & fishing… blah blah blah…” To which I would reply, “That’s what you get for marrying a caveman husband that doesn’t realize you can go fishing and hiking and stay at a bed & breakfast or a cabin. This way you don’t stink like Warren the whole time and you can make adjustments to your lineup.” To which Katie would reply, “I know… you’re right… Isn’t it weird that my grandma grabbed your butt?” And the answer to that is: Yes. Yes, it is weird that your grandma grabbed my butt and even more weird than that is that I enjoyed it. Congratulations Mr. Fitzhugh. Not only are you cleansed of your sins (well probably not too clean now since it’s been a day since Yom Kippur), but now you are part of the exclusive 3-0 club. You keep playing the Jew Card and you might luck your way into a championship. Then again what’ll happen is in typical Jew fashion you’ll have a couple of losses, you’ll start to whine & complain and then end up wandering in the fantasy football-land desert for 40 years. Enjoy that manna. It’s unleavened!

Finally Long and First became the third to fall victim of Vick’s Puppy Pound as he is the third member of the 3-0 club. I don’t want to be too harsh because Tony has already threatened to beat me down, burn my house and eat my unborn children if I’m relentless in my verbal attack. And since I firmly believe that the pen is NOT mightier than the sword, rather than being rude I’ll simply congratulate Tony on being a formidable opponent. By formidable I mean an opponent that simply sucked. Hopefully you’ll have better luck next week against the new & improved Joyce.