Week 1

Welcome to the first blog of the new fantasy football year. Some things take time to get into midseason form, like LT and the Chargers, others however, do not, like Mr. Haldeman and his mad blogging skills. On that note, let the clowning begin.

We'll start off with the most obvious target, that being the "Black Mamba" who got downgraded to a regular old garden snake. Most of the venom left the snake once the draft was over and he realized that not only did Leo outdraft him with the last picks of the draft but that his team SUCKS! To make things better though at least you picked up Bernard Berrian who has been equivalent to unfulfilled dreams the past 2-3 years in fantasy land. Kudos to Mr. Mamba however. He did honor his word by paying up his entry fee. He has been so good at pinching pennies that he actually created 2,500 of them. Mr. Schafer has proven that once again he is a force to be reckoned in both fantasy land and when it comes to using a keyboard. Often in his excitement he forgets how to properly spell words, and his team name is a prime example (review any emails he's sent you for other examples). Congrats on your first victory of the season "Shirmpy".

This week's exciting girl on girl matchup showed us that 1) Katie isn't as dumb as she was last year, and 2) Joyce is as dumb as Katie was last year. Someone needed to fill that role and Joyce seems like a prime candidate (as well as Erica's husband and "the foreigner" who also made a handful of poor decisions, but we'll get to those later). Just a piece of advice Joyce; probably not a good idea to pick up a good wide receiver in Justin Gage, only to turn around and drop him, then to start some rookie who didn't even see the ball all day. I do like the bold move you took in starting a rookie QB. That shows that you've got some balls. Katie showed that she was thinking with the wrong brain when she started Willie Parker over Derrick Ward. It is a mistake that you will continue to make throughout the year, so on behalf of the teams that will beat you later on, thank you for your bad decisions. I don't want to be too negative on Katie after posting a victory so instead let's extend a congrats on your first of a few wins. It only took you like 5 weeks to get that last year, and it came against a guy that thought a fantasy football league had something to do with soccer.

Speaking of soccer, the Nippon Daihyo (Japanese Turds) did battle against a former soccer coach who apparently is barely legal. The turds thought they had it won with small deficit heading into the final game and a volatile wide reciever playing on Monday night. Turns out that TO didn't catch squat in the first half and he is already unhappy, just like Doron is unhappy with his crappy picks. Don't be too concerned with your slow start Mr. Turd, because last year you started out 0-2 and came back to win the whole thing once you realized that Carson Palmer was a bum. Plus, Alan is interested in the league now, but when he loses the next few matchups, he'll realize that half his team is either injured or on a bye week or plain out sucks and then claim that he never cared to begin with and start fantasizing about next year. Solid play out of Alan's defense sealed the victory but if you take that away, you'll realize that Alan's team is full of bums, just like his office mates.

Long and First hit things hard to get the year started off right by putting a beating on the Bucking Broncos. Just an early season prediction, but I bet that Bo will have as many victories as her beloved Broncos. Right now Bo is losing that contest but there is still time to pick up a victory or two as the season progresses. I'm looking forward to much bigger things from Long and First.

Mr. Sarcasm returned to his days of old by scoring the most points (we're only talking about fantasy football) in week 1. Last year you scored the most points throughout the year but that was only good enough for a 6th place finish. It would appear that your luck has changed as you not only scored the most points in week 1, but your opponent, Erica & the Hey Reb clan seemed to be inept and incompetent by scoring the fewest points. Chris Chambers was not a good pickup and unfortunately LT may not have been good either. This could be a long, hard (That's what she said)season ahead for Hey Reb. For those of you who hate the gloating and haugtiness of Mr. Zylka, find solace in knowing that 1) he truly is miserable and 2) his quarterback busted a rib, and is acting like a baby. Favre is his backup and last time Erica checked, he was retired, but apparently he's playing again but it's only a matter of time until he'll need a hip replacement.

Finally, I come to my game where a beat down occurred. I don't want to be too harsh on "The Foreigner" who not only succeeded in picking the gayest possible name for a team, but then failed to show up for a draft, and then scored the 2nd fewest points in the league. His main flaw was starting Carson Palmer who sucks. The other flaws included starting the backup running back to AP (that's Adrian Peterson, the best back in the league, see Zylka's score for evidence), starting Carson Palmer at QB and starting Carson Palmer at QB. Since you probably sucked in your other leagues too, let me give you some advice (Gregg will second it): DON'T HAVE CARSON PALMER ON YOUR TEAM. You'd get more mileage by having Kevin Kolb! The part of this ribbing that feels so good is that when we desperately pleaded to have you join the league, you responded by saying that you would "feel bad for stealing our money." Well, as of week 1, we hope that your guilt trip isn't harrowing up too many pains because frankly your team sucks worse than a bunch of girls at a lollypop stand.

Don't worry though losers. That's right, I said LOSERS! And by losers I meant Bronco lady, Garden Snake, Hey Reb, Foreigner, Sushimon, and Alzheimer's lady, the sun will come up tomorrow and you have a chance at redemption next week. Hopefully you'll learn from your mistakes like starting Carson Palmer, or by not properly looking into the future to see who would perform. Do us all a favor and call 888-303-5280 and get some advice.

Until next week...