Here's the deal... I'm not that creative and can't continue to come up with new and creative insults week in and week out for 3 years running. Because I try to be crass, yet not too crude it's difficult. Because of that, I'm going to reduce the commentary to a line or two about each game. If you don't like it, then you can start paying me a blogger fee and I'll improve on the insults.
Let's start with loser #1 - Josh & his Red Light Secret. Turns out it wasn't a red light secret, more like a blue light special for a discount on fantasy points. This beat down was so bad that Renae has left Josh for a small penised Asian man. Good luck taking care of her GG. On a serious note, you deserve all the credit for your victory and for being #1 in the league.
Joyce quickly met all of our expectations by falling asleep at the wheel. She probably figured that since she was up against a wine connosier that she would beat him at his own game. So Friday night she got the nicest box of wine 7-11 had and started drinking. Apparently it got so bad that she forgot that Ryan Grant was out for the season and Brett Favre sucks this year. Don't worry though Joyce, Tony didn't make all the right moves either as his bench had more points than your whole team.
It's nice to see that even fat Iranian pedophiles can win every now and then. Like Whitney Houston, Boser believes the children are the future so he lets them laugh and shows them the beauty they possess inside. What a sicko. Turns out that Alan's CPU is still infected with a gay roman porn virus which is partially why he has 3 inactive players on his team including 1 in the starting lineup. The best part is that Alan picked his team, not the CPU. I'm sure this is all part of his strategy, which makes perfect sense. Pretend you're an idiot, fall way behind in the standings, and then BAM!, you miss the playoffs.
Black Mamba found its bite and got a mouthful of Leo. That paints a pretty picture in your head.
Finally, the clockmaker herself, Katie, orchestrated the highest point total of the week. To be honest, I'm very disappointed with Katie as of late for the following reasons: 1) Her caveman husband discovered fire and burnt his beard off making him look like a normal man. 2) The long winded, never ending stories seemed to have disappeared. 3) She's stepped up to the plate and taken on a portfolio. Way to go Katie. Before I give the caveman too much credit, it should be noted that he's a parkour guy, and likes to make love to apes. Gross, but that's how he rolls.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The insults remain the same
Very few of you should be proud of what just transpired this past week. As far as fantasy football leagues are concerned, this was embarrassing. It's like a boys team losing to the girls. It's like Gregg crapping his pants while fielding a grounder at second base. It's like Boser saying he'll have a write-up done on Monday and it not being done until the following Monday.
Tony kicked everybody's A** in what will most likely be a preview of things to come. This is just like him too. I put up the 3rd most points of the week and still get beat down like my red headed wife did when she was a stepchild. Whatever special kool-aid Tony is drinking, we may need to invest in some of those bottles so we can purify our picks and be more like Tony (at least as far as fantasy football is concerned.)
The Asian Underground surprised even himself by scoring more than 100 points. A feat that was seldomly accomplished last year. What wasn't surprising was that Alan's team sucked. I have an idea, why don't you play a running back that's on the injured list and plays for the Raiders. Since you like having injured guys on your roster... I hear that Ryan Grant (out for the season) is available. Try picking him up on the waiver wire. The best part is the weak excuse you gave up..."My computer has a virus." You sound like your gay 15 your old son explaining why he couldn't do his write-up on the Ancient Roman's. Turns out he could've done it, but he got so turned on by those Roman's that he lost his concentration, downloaded too much Gay-Roman porn and now your computer has a virus. Think of the positive... now your wife and son have something to do together.
The Iranian Pedofile (That's Boser) embarrassed arabs everywhere by exposing his weakness in week 1. No staying power! It was almost as if he was walking to his car from a rap concert when all of a sudden Katie and her black homies lynched him like it was reverse racism in the 60's. All Boser could do was cover his head in shame while screaming for his mommy. Good thing it was just Katie punching him rather than Tony. This was one of those "lucky for Katie moments". She was lucky she was facing Mahmud Ahmadinejad and not the USA, or even Israel for that matter. One final comment... David we invited you to this league because we thought you were a cool guy. While it's fun to beat an opponent in fantasy football, it's not so much fun when it's a train wreck. Please do all of us a favor and man-up next week.
The Black Mamba got off to an exciting start by losing to Henderson's finest. It seems the mamba's bark was much louder than its bite (please see the gardner snake reference from last year). If this was the warning message you were sending in week 1 by losing to a team that had 2 victories all of last year... you're message has been heard and it sounds like this: "Even though I'm an Israeli, my fantasy football team is made up of a bunch of Palestinians."
Finally, Joyce pulled Leo's pants down and spanked him like a naughty little boy(which explains all of the bruises on her hand!). Who's your daddy Leo? Joyce is!
As far as the last man standing competition is concerned... Thanks to 4 of your for bowing out in week #1. I invite you to join back in for $20, but totally understand why you wouldn't. One last comment about this competition... It's a good thing that Sam isn't an analyst. His skills told him that picking the 49ers to win was a good idea. Turns out that was one of the most lopsided losses he could've picked. My advice to the rest of us, ask Sam his opinion and go the other way. I was going to embed the spreadsheet in this blog, but it's too late to figure that out right now. If you really want to know, email me and I'll forward you a copy.
Tony kicked everybody's A** in what will most likely be a preview of things to come. This is just like him too. I put up the 3rd most points of the week and still get beat down like my red headed wife did when she was a stepchild. Whatever special kool-aid Tony is drinking, we may need to invest in some of those bottles so we can purify our picks and be more like Tony (at least as far as fantasy football is concerned.)
The Asian Underground surprised even himself by scoring more than 100 points. A feat that was seldomly accomplished last year. What wasn't surprising was that Alan's team sucked. I have an idea, why don't you play a running back that's on the injured list and plays for the Raiders. Since you like having injured guys on your roster... I hear that Ryan Grant (out for the season) is available. Try picking him up on the waiver wire. The best part is the weak excuse you gave up..."My computer has a virus." You sound like your gay 15 your old son explaining why he couldn't do his write-up on the Ancient Roman's. Turns out he could've done it, but he got so turned on by those Roman's that he lost his concentration, downloaded too much Gay-Roman porn and now your computer has a virus. Think of the positive... now your wife and son have something to do together.
The Iranian Pedofile (That's Boser) embarrassed arabs everywhere by exposing his weakness in week 1. No staying power! It was almost as if he was walking to his car from a rap concert when all of a sudden Katie and her black homies lynched him like it was reverse racism in the 60's. All Boser could do was cover his head in shame while screaming for his mommy. Good thing it was just Katie punching him rather than Tony. This was one of those "lucky for Katie moments". She was lucky she was facing Mahmud Ahmadinejad and not the USA, or even Israel for that matter. One final comment... David we invited you to this league because we thought you were a cool guy. While it's fun to beat an opponent in fantasy football, it's not so much fun when it's a train wreck. Please do all of us a favor and man-up next week.
The Black Mamba got off to an exciting start by losing to Henderson's finest. It seems the mamba's bark was much louder than its bite (please see the gardner snake reference from last year). If this was the warning message you were sending in week 1 by losing to a team that had 2 victories all of last year... you're message has been heard and it sounds like this: "Even though I'm an Israeli, my fantasy football team is made up of a bunch of Palestinians."
Finally, Joyce pulled Leo's pants down and spanked him like a naughty little boy(which explains all of the bruises on her hand!). Who's your daddy Leo? Joyce is!
As far as the last man standing competition is concerned... Thanks to 4 of your for bowing out in week #1. I invite you to join back in for $20, but totally understand why you wouldn't. One last comment about this competition... It's a good thing that Sam isn't an analyst. His skills told him that picking the 49ers to win was a good idea. Turns out that was one of the most lopsided losses he could've picked. My advice to the rest of us, ask Sam his opinion and go the other way. I was going to embed the spreadsheet in this blog, but it's too late to figure that out right now. If you really want to know, email me and I'll forward you a copy.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
That's all she wrote for the year
This will be the last official blog I post. Now that the regular season is over and the those that are not in the playoffs are done, there is little motivation to keep writing. The truth is the blog is written primarily for the amusement of Señor Sarcasm and to keep Katie laughing / on her toes. Another reason why this site sucks is due to the fact that those that are in the playoffs are outed. At least you could keep playing in hopes of not finishing dead last like the Japanese Turd did. Oh well... we tried something new and realized it sucked hard. Next year we'll move on to Yahoo.
There was an interesting trend that happened last week. The 4 teams in the playoffs all scored more than 100 points. I guess there's a reason why they are playoff teams and the rest of you are not (with the exception of Señor Sarcasm. You were only kept from the playoffs because the fantasy football gods find your pouting amusing. The "it's not fair" comments make them laugh much to hard to give in and let you win.) Had the divisions been split up differently then Alan definitely would not be in the playoffs but I guess that's life. Right? Life isn't fair and anybody who thinks it should be fair is stupid. That's right Katie, I said it. Life shouldn't be fair and you're stupid if you think it should be.
Let me give you an example... most ladies scream for this equal rights thing and want equal pay and that glass ceiling thing to be removed, but when it's time to change the water on the water dispenser who do you call? That's right... a man. I could come up with more examples, but I don't want to get kicked in the balls first thing in the morning.
On to the meaningless matchups. (Before I do that, I was challenged last week to try to be funny and kind. I'll give that a whirl, if it doesn't work, just know it was Tony's stupid idea.)
First we had the laughing stock team of the league against the sexiest owner of the league (no offense Katie, Bo, Erica & Alan). In non-surpising fashion Gregg laid an egg, had the fewest points in the league for the week, and had he played the right players as recommended by CBSSports.com he wouldn't have lost. But that's double G for ya. His glory continues to live in the past. He used to be a good baseball player, but now he gets struck out by a 10 year kid. He can't even catch candy thrown right to him. (Basically he's like a woman.) Now you'll hear the comment, "I won the league last year." Big freaking whoop! You're like President Obama's approval rating. Just because it used to be good doesn't mean it is anymore. As for Joyce, you weren't all that bad. Had your life not been so hectic early on in the season you might've been able to do a little more. If I recall correctly you had some bonehead moves that ended up biting you in the booty. That's life I guess.
The second meaningless matchup was between Leo's Spelling champs and weak comebacks (however your email today was funny) and the worst team of the league statistically speaking. In 6-8 fashion Leo came up short just like in life (whether in the bedroom or in fantasy football). As for Erica's team (who still hasn't read this blog)... Thanks for playing. It was a real pleasure having you in the league. We all sincerely hope you continue to play next year because we love playing against you. The only request we have is that you change your team name to "the self-esteem booster". I think you made the fewest moves in the league and it showed by the fact that your team sucked from day one.
Finally, meaningless matchup number 3 was between the buckless broncos and a band from the 80's. Is it really surprising to anyone that the 3 loserville games all had the 3 lowest combined scores? It shouldn't be! Poor Keler's team got beat up by poor management early on, auto-draft gone bad, and then just not being very smart. Bo put forth a helluva an effort but it wasn't enough either. (I just noticed that I haven't been very nice yet... I'll try that now). The best part about both of these competitors is that they had a "can do" attitude and a spirit that lived on despite there ineptitude. (Read that again with a sarcastic tone and you'll realize that being nice isn't one of my strong points.)
OK... on to the important games.
Katie, you got owned. You got beat down like you stole something. What may have helped is if you weren't out until the wee early morning hours on Saturday taking in some old Vietnam drugs (Agent Orange), and then partying all over again with some gay english band (Muse) later on. You need to realize that your real passion in life is not music, but fantasy football. If music were your thing then you'd be singing more in our meetings, or using your pen as a drum, mix in a little air guitar on the side. Since you don't do any of those things, its obvious that you are a closet singer which leads us all to wonder what else you have in your closet. Some educated guesses have been the following: You're a closet cave-woman. You are a lesbian. You are Ken's secret lover. And finally you are in love with Alan's bald spot. The 4th guess is probably the closest to reality which is why your team laid an egg this past week. You would rather have Alan win then you because of your fierce love for him and his ever growing bald spot. (I think the spot is actually getting bigger the longe rhis hair gets). Alan did a good job covering up his weaknesses this past week, but one can only wonder how long it will be until it is discovered that not only does Alan have a massive / growing bald spot on his head, but that his team really isn't that good to begin with. Only time will tell until his weaknesses are discovered.
If I would have said that Kurt Warner will only put up 1 point this week, yet Doron would beat Señor Sarcasm and have the highest point total of the week you would've thought I was crazy. Truth be known, I didn't say that, so I'm not crazy, but it did happen, so maybe I am crazy after all. Zylka finally put in the right QB, but it was the need for a better recieving corp that hurt him this time. I'm not sure how the previous weeks would've been, but at least for this week, Leo's failed trade with Zylka wouldn't have helped him at all. I'm sure we'll all get some kind of "wannabe" guilt inducing email later on telling us how he would've been special had that trade gone through, but the real email should come out stating that had Señor Sarcasm not taunted the Mamba then the trade most likely would have gone through anyway. We call that "not waking a sleepy bear." No, Doron isn't a bear, but his mama bear-esq response to your taunting email created a wave of response that was sufficient to squash your deal. Had no email been sent, he most likely would have forgotten about the trade, or at least not had the motivation to kill the deal. Democracy is a bitch (I think that's an official term), especially when rallied against your own cause.
Finally we come to what will inevitably be one of the league champions. The puppy store vs. the porn peddler. Despite my victory, the porn peddler pointed out that the victory really came down to one play. Because I won I won't go into details. Truth be known, I would have rather lost because the chances of beating an opponent 3 times in a row is slim. I wish I had something funny to write or insulting or kind, but it's late and I don't care anymore.
Thanks for reading and for your suggestions. Most of all thanks for laughing and encouraging me to keep clowning on the league. I hope Zylka gets over his pout-fest and joins us again next year. If he doesn't, then we'll just have to find some other whiny, sarcastic, little girl to fill his shoes.
There was an interesting trend that happened last week. The 4 teams in the playoffs all scored more than 100 points. I guess there's a reason why they are playoff teams and the rest of you are not (with the exception of Señor Sarcasm. You were only kept from the playoffs because the fantasy football gods find your pouting amusing. The "it's not fair" comments make them laugh much to hard to give in and let you win.) Had the divisions been split up differently then Alan definitely would not be in the playoffs but I guess that's life. Right? Life isn't fair and anybody who thinks it should be fair is stupid. That's right Katie, I said it. Life shouldn't be fair and you're stupid if you think it should be.
Let me give you an example... most ladies scream for this equal rights thing and want equal pay and that glass ceiling thing to be removed, but when it's time to change the water on the water dispenser who do you call? That's right... a man. I could come up with more examples, but I don't want to get kicked in the balls first thing in the morning.
On to the meaningless matchups. (Before I do that, I was challenged last week to try to be funny and kind. I'll give that a whirl, if it doesn't work, just know it was Tony's stupid idea.)
First we had the laughing stock team of the league against the sexiest owner of the league (no offense Katie, Bo, Erica & Alan). In non-surpising fashion Gregg laid an egg, had the fewest points in the league for the week, and had he played the right players as recommended by CBSSports.com he wouldn't have lost. But that's double G for ya. His glory continues to live in the past. He used to be a good baseball player, but now he gets struck out by a 10 year kid. He can't even catch candy thrown right to him. (Basically he's like a woman.) Now you'll hear the comment, "I won the league last year." Big freaking whoop! You're like President Obama's approval rating. Just because it used to be good doesn't mean it is anymore. As for Joyce, you weren't all that bad. Had your life not been so hectic early on in the season you might've been able to do a little more. If I recall correctly you had some bonehead moves that ended up biting you in the booty. That's life I guess.
The second meaningless matchup was between Leo's Spelling champs and weak comebacks (however your email today was funny) and the worst team of the league statistically speaking. In 6-8 fashion Leo came up short just like in life (whether in the bedroom or in fantasy football). As for Erica's team (who still hasn't read this blog)... Thanks for playing. It was a real pleasure having you in the league. We all sincerely hope you continue to play next year because we love playing against you. The only request we have is that you change your team name to "the self-esteem booster". I think you made the fewest moves in the league and it showed by the fact that your team sucked from day one.
Finally, meaningless matchup number 3 was between the buckless broncos and a band from the 80's. Is it really surprising to anyone that the 3 loserville games all had the 3 lowest combined scores? It shouldn't be! Poor Keler's team got beat up by poor management early on, auto-draft gone bad, and then just not being very smart. Bo put forth a helluva an effort but it wasn't enough either. (I just noticed that I haven't been very nice yet... I'll try that now). The best part about both of these competitors is that they had a "can do" attitude and a spirit that lived on despite there ineptitude. (Read that again with a sarcastic tone and you'll realize that being nice isn't one of my strong points.)
OK... on to the important games.
Katie, you got owned. You got beat down like you stole something. What may have helped is if you weren't out until the wee early morning hours on Saturday taking in some old Vietnam drugs (Agent Orange), and then partying all over again with some gay english band (Muse) later on. You need to realize that your real passion in life is not music, but fantasy football. If music were your thing then you'd be singing more in our meetings, or using your pen as a drum, mix in a little air guitar on the side. Since you don't do any of those things, its obvious that you are a closet singer which leads us all to wonder what else you have in your closet. Some educated guesses have been the following: You're a closet cave-woman. You are a lesbian. You are Ken's secret lover. And finally you are in love with Alan's bald spot. The 4th guess is probably the closest to reality which is why your team laid an egg this past week. You would rather have Alan win then you because of your fierce love for him and his ever growing bald spot. (I think the spot is actually getting bigger the longe rhis hair gets). Alan did a good job covering up his weaknesses this past week, but one can only wonder how long it will be until it is discovered that not only does Alan have a massive / growing bald spot on his head, but that his team really isn't that good to begin with. Only time will tell until his weaknesses are discovered.
If I would have said that Kurt Warner will only put up 1 point this week, yet Doron would beat Señor Sarcasm and have the highest point total of the week you would've thought I was crazy. Truth be known, I didn't say that, so I'm not crazy, but it did happen, so maybe I am crazy after all. Zylka finally put in the right QB, but it was the need for a better recieving corp that hurt him this time. I'm not sure how the previous weeks would've been, but at least for this week, Leo's failed trade with Zylka wouldn't have helped him at all. I'm sure we'll all get some kind of "wannabe" guilt inducing email later on telling us how he would've been special had that trade gone through, but the real email should come out stating that had Señor Sarcasm not taunted the Mamba then the trade most likely would have gone through anyway. We call that "not waking a sleepy bear." No, Doron isn't a bear, but his mama bear-esq response to your taunting email created a wave of response that was sufficient to squash your deal. Had no email been sent, he most likely would have forgotten about the trade, or at least not had the motivation to kill the deal. Democracy is a bitch (I think that's an official term), especially when rallied against your own cause.
Finally we come to what will inevitably be one of the league champions. The puppy store vs. the porn peddler. Despite my victory, the porn peddler pointed out that the victory really came down to one play. Because I won I won't go into details. Truth be known, I would have rather lost because the chances of beating an opponent 3 times in a row is slim. I wish I had something funny to write or insulting or kind, but it's late and I don't care anymore.
Thanks for reading and for your suggestions. Most of all thanks for laughing and encouraging me to keep clowning on the league. I hope Zylka gets over his pout-fest and joins us again next year. If he doesn't, then we'll just have to find some other whiny, sarcastic, little girl to fill his shoes.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Win and you're in
I'm not sure if you guys realize this or not, but that Tiger Woods dude is having a bad week. Do you realize how smoking hot his wife is? Seriously. She's a former bikini model! I'm sure that pancake chick was totally worth it. Apparently she's claiming you ordered a tall stack but only had a short stack with some silver dollar pancakes... For what it's worth here's my advice, Stick to what you're good at... golf. Get out of the player game. It's obviously not working for you.
Now on to serious matters. Fantasy football and the fact that the whack-jobs at CBSsports.com were able to do one thing right this season and that is magically pre-arrange the final week so that the division leaders would all square off with in a winner take-all kind of game. Before we go any further I want to congratulate 8 of the 12 teams in the league for having a record of .500 or worse (LOSERS!). It's quite pathetic that in a league of 12 teams that 66% of you suck more than you don't suck. What I mean is if your team isn't a puppy store, snake related, porn related (excluding "Barely Legal") or complaining about life not being fair, then your team sucks about as bad as the site that was used and additionally you suck too. You are a bad manager of fantasy football talent and you're probably a bad parent as well, or you would be a bad parent if you had kids. Two of the worst teams compiled and managed were Gregg & Erica. We know that Gregg is a bad parent because of numerous examples of him not paying attention and his daughter barely escaping death. One example is when we went to the batting cages 18 months ago (when Gregg couldn't catch up to the 70 mph balls) and in one of his many careless moments he allowed his daughter to run off while Adrianne was smoking some heat. His daughter ran into a neighboring batting cage where a Filipino dude almost knocked her out of the park. Thankfully the Filipinos have a little respect for the Japanese and her life was spared. Erica's parenting skills will not come into question as proof that I can learn from my mistakes and will not call anyone a bad mother again (those are some nasty stretch marks! Hey Katie, when are you going to start having kids?).
Speaking of Japanese... Gregg's loss is revenge for Pearl Harbor. Katie was able to get enough of her patriotic juice going to make sure America remained great. Katie is having a good week. Let me list the ways in which this week is working out well for her: 1) She beat Gregg handedly. 2) She bought her precious concert tickets to Muse and it only cost $200 for 2 tickets. I'm so glad that you recently fell in love with a band that has been around for 15 years! It's good to know that you're not psycho or anything or totally obsessive at the drop of a dime or 2,000 dimes in this case. 3) Katie realized that Craigslist is a great way to meet new people. Turns out this guy that sold the tickets is quite the charmer. I think he also gives massages. Maybe Katie will sign up for one of those. That wouldn't be creepy at all or anything. Ask him if he babysits. Seriously though... since Craigslist is such a great meeting place maybe you could put an add up that says something like this, "Very talkative woman seeking a more sophisticated husband that will enjoy rocking out with me to the likes of Muse, Rancid, Aquabats and They Might be Giants. Good ears requested and an attention span longer than 2 minutes a plus. Call me for a good time or for information on devil worshipping and on how to groom a caveman's junk." Anyway, back to the game and the fact that in typical Gregg fashion he puked all over himself and stuttered with his piss poor ability to pick a decent lineup. It's sad to think that this same guy won the league last year. What has happened to you Gregg?
Next we move on to this week's Silva award winner for being asleep at the wheel. Congratulations Doron for completely spacing fantasy football this week and not realizing that Kurt Warner was playing, Desean Jackson was injured, and that John Carney was let go and rehired as a "Carney" in Small Town, USA. Erica manages to put up her second highest point total of the year which shouldn't have been enough had you properly managed. Lucky for you Zylka pouted his way to a loss also, so now you have the opportunity to battle it out for a winner take all scenario with Señor Sarcasm himself.
Since we just mentioned Señor Sarcasm, we might as well talk about the egg he just laid. In classic Zylka fashion he again picked the wrong quarterback. It's a good thing you're not a gm because if you were you're team would be full of Ryan Leaf's and Jamarcus Russel's. I can't ride you too hard however... it was one of those weeks when your players just let you down. It was nice of Leo to not lay down like a Frenchman and take his licks put instead to fight it out for a possible .500 record and a little bit of pride.
In a surprise (at least surprising to me) upset, Alan took his hand off his crotch and put in a good enough lineup to beat the all powerful Joyce. Joyce had emerged as a contender in the loser division when she took Doron's best players in a trade he proposed. Her rally fell short however as she gets beat by a man, again. Her playoff hopes were dashed just like my kids Christmas hopes are on Christmas eve when I get sloppy drunk, walk around the house naked and tell them that there is no Santa Claus and piss all over the Christmas tree until I ultimately pass out only to wake up and start all over again. Ahhh... good times. Anyone want to see the photos?
Only because they like to read there names will the last two games be talked about. Keler, not quite sure what you were thinking by not starting Mr. Boldin of the Cardinals but I'm very sure as to what you were saying at halftime when he had already had 2 touchdowns and almost a hundred yards receiving. You got beat soundly by an old man who was seeking revenge from an early season loss. Vengence was his and he liked it.
Finally, I just barely had enough in the gas tank to outlast Bo in a squeaker, 105 - 103. It's tough to lose when you have over a 100 points, but the silver lining is that this victory sealed my playoff fate when both mamba and sarcasm lost. So thanks to you Bo for putting up a good fight but ultimately not a good enough fight.
In conclusion, this, the final week of the regular season brings much drama. The Mamba faces the one and only Señor Sarcasm. Katie and her new friends from Craigslist (that may one day replace the caveman and the devil) go against the soft porn king of LV, Alan. The other divisional match up of note pits the two best teams in the league in a possible Super Bowl preview. For those two dumb to know who those two teams are, it's the Puppy Store and Mr. Long & Loud & First with a freshly shaved mug.
Now on to serious matters. Fantasy football and the fact that the whack-jobs at CBSsports.com were able to do one thing right this season and that is magically pre-arrange the final week so that the division leaders would all square off with in a winner take-all kind of game. Before we go any further I want to congratulate 8 of the 12 teams in the league for having a record of .500 or worse (LOSERS!). It's quite pathetic that in a league of 12 teams that 66% of you suck more than you don't suck. What I mean is if your team isn't a puppy store, snake related, porn related (excluding "Barely Legal") or complaining about life not being fair, then your team sucks about as bad as the site that was used and additionally you suck too. You are a bad manager of fantasy football talent and you're probably a bad parent as well, or you would be a bad parent if you had kids. Two of the worst teams compiled and managed were Gregg & Erica. We know that Gregg is a bad parent because of numerous examples of him not paying attention and his daughter barely escaping death. One example is when we went to the batting cages 18 months ago (when Gregg couldn't catch up to the 70 mph balls) and in one of his many careless moments he allowed his daughter to run off while Adrianne was smoking some heat. His daughter ran into a neighboring batting cage where a Filipino dude almost knocked her out of the park. Thankfully the Filipinos have a little respect for the Japanese and her life was spared. Erica's parenting skills will not come into question as proof that I can learn from my mistakes and will not call anyone a bad mother again (those are some nasty stretch marks! Hey Katie, when are you going to start having kids?).
Speaking of Japanese... Gregg's loss is revenge for Pearl Harbor. Katie was able to get enough of her patriotic juice going to make sure America remained great. Katie is having a good week. Let me list the ways in which this week is working out well for her: 1) She beat Gregg handedly. 2) She bought her precious concert tickets to Muse and it only cost $200 for 2 tickets. I'm so glad that you recently fell in love with a band that has been around for 15 years! It's good to know that you're not psycho or anything or totally obsessive at the drop of a dime or 2,000 dimes in this case. 3) Katie realized that Craigslist is a great way to meet new people. Turns out this guy that sold the tickets is quite the charmer. I think he also gives massages. Maybe Katie will sign up for one of those. That wouldn't be creepy at all or anything. Ask him if he babysits. Seriously though... since Craigslist is such a great meeting place maybe you could put an add up that says something like this, "Very talkative woman seeking a more sophisticated husband that will enjoy rocking out with me to the likes of Muse, Rancid, Aquabats and They Might be Giants. Good ears requested and an attention span longer than 2 minutes a plus. Call me for a good time or for information on devil worshipping and on how to groom a caveman's junk." Anyway, back to the game and the fact that in typical Gregg fashion he puked all over himself and stuttered with his piss poor ability to pick a decent lineup. It's sad to think that this same guy won the league last year. What has happened to you Gregg?
Next we move on to this week's Silva award winner for being asleep at the wheel. Congratulations Doron for completely spacing fantasy football this week and not realizing that Kurt Warner was playing, Desean Jackson was injured, and that John Carney was let go and rehired as a "Carney" in Small Town, USA. Erica manages to put up her second highest point total of the year which shouldn't have been enough had you properly managed. Lucky for you Zylka pouted his way to a loss also, so now you have the opportunity to battle it out for a winner take all scenario with Señor Sarcasm himself.
Since we just mentioned Señor Sarcasm, we might as well talk about the egg he just laid. In classic Zylka fashion he again picked the wrong quarterback. It's a good thing you're not a gm because if you were you're team would be full of Ryan Leaf's and Jamarcus Russel's. I can't ride you too hard however... it was one of those weeks when your players just let you down. It was nice of Leo to not lay down like a Frenchman and take his licks put instead to fight it out for a possible .500 record and a little bit of pride.
In a surprise (at least surprising to me) upset, Alan took his hand off his crotch and put in a good enough lineup to beat the all powerful Joyce. Joyce had emerged as a contender in the loser division when she took Doron's best players in a trade he proposed. Her rally fell short however as she gets beat by a man, again. Her playoff hopes were dashed just like my kids Christmas hopes are on Christmas eve when I get sloppy drunk, walk around the house naked and tell them that there is no Santa Claus and piss all over the Christmas tree until I ultimately pass out only to wake up and start all over again. Ahhh... good times. Anyone want to see the photos?
Only because they like to read there names will the last two games be talked about. Keler, not quite sure what you were thinking by not starting Mr. Boldin of the Cardinals but I'm very sure as to what you were saying at halftime when he had already had 2 touchdowns and almost a hundred yards receiving. You got beat soundly by an old man who was seeking revenge from an early season loss. Vengence was his and he liked it.
Finally, I just barely had enough in the gas tank to outlast Bo in a squeaker, 105 - 103. It's tough to lose when you have over a 100 points, but the silver lining is that this victory sealed my playoff fate when both mamba and sarcasm lost. So thanks to you Bo for putting up a good fight but ultimately not a good enough fight.
In conclusion, this, the final week of the regular season brings much drama. The Mamba faces the one and only Señor Sarcasm. Katie and her new friends from Craigslist (that may one day replace the caveman and the devil) go against the soft porn king of LV, Alan. The other divisional match up of note pits the two best teams in the league in a possible Super Bowl preview. For those two dumb to know who those two teams are, it's the Puppy Store and Mr. Long & Loud & First with a freshly shaved mug.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Talkin Trash
A few teams got completely eliminated this week from playoff contention and they deserve to be recognized for their futility. Congratulations go out to The Foreigner, Bucking Broncos, Hey Reb, and Shimrp Shack II. All of you are officially out of the running and have zero chance of making the playoffs. You may still play a role as a spoiler but that is all. What's pathetic and sad about this is the fact that Gregg with a 4-8 record still has a chance to make the playoffs. That's just not right. A few changes will be made next year to ensure that crap like this doesn't happen again.
Because I'm so full of myself and love me some me, I'll start off by gloating about how wonderful my team is and their massive destruction of Keler's crappy team. 125 points is no joke and having it come against Keler only makes it better. Not sure if you guys saw this clip, but if you replace the word Utah for Keler, that's about how I feel. If the season ended today I'd be the wildcard team and a serious contender to kick some trash throughout the playoffs. I would like to also point out what a genius I am by picking up Mr. Forsett with the Seahawks who must've known he was on my fantasy team because he went off for 25 points. Thanks Justin! I appreciate the big day. As for Keler, we appreciated having you in the league. We kind of miss not having you in Las Vegas anymore and wish you the best of luck in UT.
Barely Legal is barely alive after the wallopping defeat he suffered at the hands of Mr. Kung-Fu 4-8 Ninja himself. The Japanese Turd saw a small chance at making the playoffs so he decided to put in a real lineup. Way to finally pay attention to your team and make some educated moves. It's too bad it was temporary and next week you'll return to loserville. I say that because picking up Marshawn Lynch is more of a deathtrap then anything. There wasn't a single move that could've helped Barely Legal win this past week, unless of course you take a look at every single move Alan made over the course of the year to realize that there were plenty of opportunities for him not to suck as long and hard as he did. Alan has enjoyed both ends of the spectrum (which isn't surprising). He started off the year 4-0, only to lose 7 of the next 8 games. Not a winning recipe.
Next we come to the dreadful attack of Psycho / Señor Sarcasm who strikes yet again. Señor makes the wrong QB decision, again, yet continues to pile on the points. I don't think there has a been a week all year where there wasn't a QB on Sarcasm's bench that didn't score more than his starter (or more than Alan's mom). Zylka finally put Erica's team out of their misery. Erica's dreadful team is on par with the Detroit Lions, Cleveland Browns, Oakland Raiders, St. Louis Rams and Kansas City Chiefs. Your team is like a trainwreck. Every team in the league couldn't wait to face your pathetic team. Every team you beat has a losing record and you only put up 100 points once. I know the blame isn't Erica's but her sports fanatic husband who is obviously dealing with other issues because it's quite obvious that fantasy football is not a priority.
The caveman's wife did some butt kicking over the weekend. Nice time to put up 109 points. You didn't pay attention and still wracked up 109. Just imagine what you could've done had you not paid attention all year long. (Instead you have most recently been paying attention to Muse(seriously, $500 to see those guys?), some stupid British band that you haven't decided you liked until 3 weeks ago and now you are willing to fork over your life's savings to see them. That's not random is it? Afterall, music is your life. Music and cavemen, along with clockmaking and devil worshiping.) It's not surprising however that you'd over analyze every possible decision and ultimately make the wrong move. What is surprising is that Joyce's team didn't pounce you. She had been on a nice winning streak that was suddenly slapped into hysteria. Joyce's key weakness has never been more obvious. Girl, you need yourself a quarterback. Almost anybody else is better than who you got.
This weeks sign that good works are not dead is brought to us by Leo. After realizing that with a few wins and a little bit of luck Leo could make the playoffs, he promptly puts up the second lowest point total of the year so that Doron can make a playoff run instead. And you said that Leo was a bum! Had he played basically anybody than who he did, he would've won. Instead the mamba lucks after starting an injured QB and then takes a stab at voodoo which worked out well too as Leo's QB promptly had his foot fall off thereby enabling the mamba to win.
Finally Tony's continues to assert his dominance by embarrassing Bo and her Broncos. Tony has been hotter than two squirels screwing in a wool sock lately by putting up more than 100 points 6 of the last 8 weeks. Bo's team has been colder than a penguin getting left out of a love triangle in Alaska. Things in Bo's world have been tough on her and there's no need for this blog to add any more pain to Bo's world so we'll end it like this.
On that note, enjoy a laugh by watching this clip.
Because I'm so full of myself and love me some me, I'll start off by gloating about how wonderful my team is and their massive destruction of Keler's crappy team. 125 points is no joke and having it come against Keler only makes it better. Not sure if you guys saw this clip, but if you replace the word Utah for Keler, that's about how I feel. If the season ended today I'd be the wildcard team and a serious contender to kick some trash throughout the playoffs. I would like to also point out what a genius I am by picking up Mr. Forsett with the Seahawks who must've known he was on my fantasy team because he went off for 25 points. Thanks Justin! I appreciate the big day. As for Keler, we appreciated having you in the league. We kind of miss not having you in Las Vegas anymore and wish you the best of luck in UT.
Barely Legal is barely alive after the wallopping defeat he suffered at the hands of Mr. Kung-Fu 4-8 Ninja himself. The Japanese Turd saw a small chance at making the playoffs so he decided to put in a real lineup. Way to finally pay attention to your team and make some educated moves. It's too bad it was temporary and next week you'll return to loserville. I say that because picking up Marshawn Lynch is more of a deathtrap then anything. There wasn't a single move that could've helped Barely Legal win this past week, unless of course you take a look at every single move Alan made over the course of the year to realize that there were plenty of opportunities for him not to suck as long and hard as he did. Alan has enjoyed both ends of the spectrum (which isn't surprising). He started off the year 4-0, only to lose 7 of the next 8 games. Not a winning recipe.
Next we come to the dreadful attack of Psycho / Señor Sarcasm who strikes yet again. Señor makes the wrong QB decision, again, yet continues to pile on the points. I don't think there has a been a week all year where there wasn't a QB on Sarcasm's bench that didn't score more than his starter (or more than Alan's mom). Zylka finally put Erica's team out of their misery. Erica's dreadful team is on par with the Detroit Lions, Cleveland Browns, Oakland Raiders, St. Louis Rams and Kansas City Chiefs. Your team is like a trainwreck. Every team in the league couldn't wait to face your pathetic team. Every team you beat has a losing record and you only put up 100 points once. I know the blame isn't Erica's but her sports fanatic husband who is obviously dealing with other issues because it's quite obvious that fantasy football is not a priority.
The caveman's wife did some butt kicking over the weekend. Nice time to put up 109 points. You didn't pay attention and still wracked up 109. Just imagine what you could've done had you not paid attention all year long. (Instead you have most recently been paying attention to Muse(seriously, $500 to see those guys?), some stupid British band that you haven't decided you liked until 3 weeks ago and now you are willing to fork over your life's savings to see them. That's not random is it? Afterall, music is your life. Music and cavemen, along with clockmaking and devil worshiping.) It's not surprising however that you'd over analyze every possible decision and ultimately make the wrong move. What is surprising is that Joyce's team didn't pounce you. She had been on a nice winning streak that was suddenly slapped into hysteria. Joyce's key weakness has never been more obvious. Girl, you need yourself a quarterback. Almost anybody else is better than who you got.
This weeks sign that good works are not dead is brought to us by Leo. After realizing that with a few wins and a little bit of luck Leo could make the playoffs, he promptly puts up the second lowest point total of the year so that Doron can make a playoff run instead. And you said that Leo was a bum! Had he played basically anybody than who he did, he would've won. Instead the mamba lucks after starting an injured QB and then takes a stab at voodoo which worked out well too as Leo's QB promptly had his foot fall off thereby enabling the mamba to win.
Finally Tony's continues to assert his dominance by embarrassing Bo and her Broncos. Tony has been hotter than two squirels screwing in a wool sock lately by putting up more than 100 points 6 of the last 8 weeks. Bo's team has been colder than a penguin getting left out of a love triangle in Alaska. Things in Bo's world have been tough on her and there's no need for this blog to add any more pain to Bo's world so we'll end it like this.
On that note, enjoy a laugh by watching this clip.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Time Bomb
With each passing week things get more and more exciting. The loser division has a tight race with Joyce & Alan tied for first. The BFF division is close with Doron in first. And is there really any surprise that Zylka is right behind Doron? Don't look now, but Leo could be in contention for the division after this week if he can beat Doron. Tony is starting to pull away with the other division as he has the best record and a strong lineup. The other race is for the wild card which will be undetermined for a few weeks.
I figured with this being Thanksgiving weekend I would share things for which I am thankful.
First of all I'm thankful that I'm not married to Katie. If she picks husbands like she picks fantasy football teams then you know her caveman is a real winner. Katie got slaughtered by the spelling bee champ which is about what she's used to. What was even worse than the defeat was watching her precious Steelers get beat by one of the worst teams in the world, the Kansas City Chiefs. And to add injury to insult, Rothlisburger was injured and his head / highlighted hair may not be alright for this week's game. Leo showed us this week that attention to detail isn't that important when you're playing Katie. Basically a full lineup will do the job. Leo is a little bitter about the trade not going through but he's just using that as motivation to kick butt these last few weeks.
Second I'm thankful for those who have an optimistic outlook on life. Zylka is not one of those people. Rather he is totally bitter primarily because of the rejected trade. There have been threats of not playing next year, or taking $25 worth of pennies and throwing them at certain ringleaders that disrupted the trade or even deficating on people's cars like a certain cat in the basement has been known to do. We'll have to see what Zylka will do, but in the meantime we have to deal with the hellish fury of a scorned only child (a slight variation of the original saying). Vick's Puppy Store was the first victim of Zylka's tirade and we all may be victims if we're not more kind to this very fragile human being. There is no telling what Señor Sarcasm will do. If we're lucky he'll just beat up on a few weaklings in the league, if were unlucky we might want to wear bullet proof vests to work. Only time will tell if Señor Sarcasm will turn into Psycho Sarcasm.
Third, I'm thankful for America and how freaking awesome it is. Japan is not as good as America and Gregg's team is not as good as Tony's. Just like the Japanese always do however, (put up a nice fight, but end up losing (i.e. WWII)) so did GG. 101 points is a lot of points for a guy who gets off by watching children cry, but it wasn't enough because Tony did what the Americans always do...win! That's right, Americans are freaking winners. We invented water parks, fast food, the car, and imported slavery. There is nothing we can't do. And there is nothing that Tony can't do, including beating an opponent without having anybody on his team score a touchdown, punk a little kid out of his Halloween candy, and destroy kids' dreams of getting runover by a car while they play in his street. That's right, Tony is the man. He has the best record in the league and he has the best hairdo as well. Gregg is quite the opposite. He has the worst team in the league and the biggest head.
Fourth, I'm thankful for the freedom's enjoyed in America. I'm not a big proponent of the women's right movement, but in the name of equal opportunity I think it's great. It means that I can punch a woman in the face and have it be ok, and it also means that Joyce can beatdown a Black Mamba and move a step closer to the playoffs. There is no glass ceiling in fantasy football. The irony of Mamba's loss to a girl is the fact that he was beat with his old players. Good 'ol Hines Ward came through with 18 points vs. Marshall's 2. Chris Johnson had 15 points and Ray Rice had 13. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the year plays out to see how Joyce finishes up the season. She sure is lucky to be in the worst division in the history of fantasy football.
Fifth, I'm thankful for big things. You know what I mean... Super Sized Meals, 1/2 pound hamburgers, H2 Hummers, Big women, big houses, the list goes on. And in a world where there are no little people, just people with smaller bodies and bigger aspirations we have the Foreigner busting a move to try and make a late push into contention. This may be a classic too little too late, but like the little train taught us, if we don't think we can, then there's no way we can. Unfortunately for Keler, he can't play Erica's pitiful team every week. Keler is in nice position to sneak in the backdoor and possibly steal the wild card position. He's 6-5 and going up against a divisional opponent. Our bank's favorite SBA rep might come up big afterall.
Finally, I'm thankful for Alan in my life. He's a helluva guy to help put things into perspective. Just today I was down in the dumps and Alan comes by to cheer me up. The key points behind his motivation were that he's busier than everyone in our office, his kids are the dumbest kids around and his wife does absolutely nothing for him or anyone else. The part that makes all of that OK in Alan's world however is that his 6 game losing streak finally came to an end. It took a 124 point effort to overcome an impressive 107 point Bo effort, but he did it. He showed Joyce that he's not willing to lie down and let her violate him and his division. He may even punch her in her equal rights face. That would be a violation of his anger management program so hopefully he'll stick with verbally assaulting her and maybe spitting in her general direction. Congrats on the victory Alan, and good luck in working your way towards being anger free.
I figured with this being Thanksgiving weekend I would share things for which I am thankful.
First of all I'm thankful that I'm not married to Katie. If she picks husbands like she picks fantasy football teams then you know her caveman is a real winner. Katie got slaughtered by the spelling bee champ which is about what she's used to. What was even worse than the defeat was watching her precious Steelers get beat by one of the worst teams in the world, the Kansas City Chiefs. And to add injury to insult, Rothlisburger was injured and his head / highlighted hair may not be alright for this week's game. Leo showed us this week that attention to detail isn't that important when you're playing Katie. Basically a full lineup will do the job. Leo is a little bitter about the trade not going through but he's just using that as motivation to kick butt these last few weeks.
Second I'm thankful for those who have an optimistic outlook on life. Zylka is not one of those people. Rather he is totally bitter primarily because of the rejected trade. There have been threats of not playing next year, or taking $25 worth of pennies and throwing them at certain ringleaders that disrupted the trade or even deficating on people's cars like a certain cat in the basement has been known to do. We'll have to see what Zylka will do, but in the meantime we have to deal with the hellish fury of a scorned only child (a slight variation of the original saying). Vick's Puppy Store was the first victim of Zylka's tirade and we all may be victims if we're not more kind to this very fragile human being. There is no telling what Señor Sarcasm will do. If we're lucky he'll just beat up on a few weaklings in the league, if were unlucky we might want to wear bullet proof vests to work. Only time will tell if Señor Sarcasm will turn into Psycho Sarcasm.
Third, I'm thankful for America and how freaking awesome it is. Japan is not as good as America and Gregg's team is not as good as Tony's. Just like the Japanese always do however, (put up a nice fight, but end up losing (i.e. WWII)) so did GG. 101 points is a lot of points for a guy who gets off by watching children cry, but it wasn't enough because Tony did what the Americans always do...win! That's right, Americans are freaking winners. We invented water parks, fast food, the car, and imported slavery. There is nothing we can't do. And there is nothing that Tony can't do, including beating an opponent without having anybody on his team score a touchdown, punk a little kid out of his Halloween candy, and destroy kids' dreams of getting runover by a car while they play in his street. That's right, Tony is the man. He has the best record in the league and he has the best hairdo as well. Gregg is quite the opposite. He has the worst team in the league and the biggest head.
Fourth, I'm thankful for the freedom's enjoyed in America. I'm not a big proponent of the women's right movement, but in the name of equal opportunity I think it's great. It means that I can punch a woman in the face and have it be ok, and it also means that Joyce can beatdown a Black Mamba and move a step closer to the playoffs. There is no glass ceiling in fantasy football. The irony of Mamba's loss to a girl is the fact that he was beat with his old players. Good 'ol Hines Ward came through with 18 points vs. Marshall's 2. Chris Johnson had 15 points and Ray Rice had 13. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the year plays out to see how Joyce finishes up the season. She sure is lucky to be in the worst division in the history of fantasy football.
Fifth, I'm thankful for big things. You know what I mean... Super Sized Meals, 1/2 pound hamburgers, H2 Hummers, Big women, big houses, the list goes on. And in a world where there are no little people, just people with smaller bodies and bigger aspirations we have the Foreigner busting a move to try and make a late push into contention. This may be a classic too little too late, but like the little train taught us, if we don't think we can, then there's no way we can. Unfortunately for Keler, he can't play Erica's pitiful team every week. Keler is in nice position to sneak in the backdoor and possibly steal the wild card position. He's 6-5 and going up against a divisional opponent. Our bank's favorite SBA rep might come up big afterall.
Finally, I'm thankful for Alan in my life. He's a helluva guy to help put things into perspective. Just today I was down in the dumps and Alan comes by to cheer me up. The key points behind his motivation were that he's busier than everyone in our office, his kids are the dumbest kids around and his wife does absolutely nothing for him or anyone else. The part that makes all of that OK in Alan's world however is that his 6 game losing streak finally came to an end. It took a 124 point effort to overcome an impressive 107 point Bo effort, but he did it. He showed Joyce that he's not willing to lie down and let her violate him and his division. He may even punch her in her equal rights face. That would be a violation of his anger management program so hopefully he'll stick with verbally assaulting her and maybe spitting in her general direction. Congrats on the victory Alan, and good luck in working your way towards being anger free.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tick Tock
What a bizarre week it was. Every team that won, with the exception of the albino mamba, had a losing record. It's just one of the wierd things that can happen in a fantasy league. Kind of like how horrible one of the divisions is in this league. Here's what's crazy; The Japanese Kamakazi Turds are 1 game out of first with a 3-7 record! The thought that he could actually make the playoffs is frightening considering that he statistically has the 2nd worse team. The only other team statistically worse is Hey Reb, which is considered a bye week in 48 of the states. Only Hawaii and Alaska recognize Hey Reb as an actual fantasy team and that's because they haven't received their certified letters yet.
This weeks "somebody has to win it" game was between the clockmaker and the guy that nobody knows. The best part about this game is that because Katie lost, there is now a three way (Alan will like this) tie between The Jew, The Gentile and the devil worshipper. The mormon is trying to get involved by being a game out, but as Erica will vouch, Mormon's aren't really christians and shouldn't be considered a religion, they are really more of a devil worshipping, kool-aid drinking, child molesting cult. (Which may be true depending on who you ask. Other things that may be true are: Mormons still practice polygamy, have horns, and they make some mean homemade bread... Oh wait...The child molestion part isn't true, that one goes to the Catholics and their overly friendly priests with a hands on approach to "sex education".) I digress...
The other embarrassment of the week was Vick's Puppy Store who laid an egg against the future league champion, Joyce. Her slow start won't hold her down as she is now storming ahead within her piss poor division. She has the two hottest running backs in the game and she's scoring more points than she's ever scored in her life. Watch out for Joyce as she is the 2nd hottest team in the league with 3 consecutive wins (not bad when you have 4 wins total) and she's also the hottest team owner.
The spelling bee champ may be regretting his trade now that word has spread that Dwayne Bowe will be suspended for 4 games due to substance abuse. It's tough when you can't have the Chief's leading receiver & touchdown man since 2007. Not having him for 4 weeks will be enough to knock you out of contention for good. Trading Moss away for Schaub is next to stupid and a bit of an overreaction, but not as stupid as trading Larry Johnson for Drew Brees like you did last year. Speaking of stupid... the other thing that is stupid is that you never look at cbssports.com at work. We appreaciate your newfound work ethic, but seriously, even Doron spends half his day on that sight.
The Bucking Broncos smacked down the misspelled Shimrpees by putting up the most points in the league for the week as my early season prediction comes to fruition. I predicted that Bo would have more wins than the Broncos. The orange helmeted horse team has 6 wins and after Sunday they will have 4 losses in a row. That 6-0 start will be about as surprising as a 6-10 finish.
This weeks proof that miracles do exist was evidenced by the Kamikaze turds lopsided victory of Señor Sarcasm. You almost scored a 100 points which is about as impressive as UNLV football's record which is amazingly similar to 3 of the teams in your division. Scott needs to pick his head up and get his swagger back. He's having a rough go of late and has lost 3 of 4 and 4 of the last 6 including losses to Keler and Gregg and the lone victory being a 1 point take down of Alan. You just upgraded big time by adding Randy Moss at the expense of a QB that you never play. If people have any brains at all they will decline that trade.
Let's reminisce for a moment shall we? Remember after week 4 when there were 4 undefeated teams? Alan was one of those teams and he said, "I have them right where I want them. I may lose a few games here and there, but I'm in perfect position to ride into the playoffs." Well his plan of losing a few here and there has turned into a 6 game losing streak including a loss of 1 point, 2 points and a tough loss to the worst team in the league after putting up 94 points. Erica can't even count that high, let alone score that many points. No wonder Alan's hair is falling out. I'd be stressing big time too if my team sucked that bad that many weeks in a row. While we'd all like to offer sympathy for your hair loss and poor team, the truth is karma has a wierd way of biting you in the balls.
Finally we come to the battle of division leaders where the porn star came up short in a critical matchup. Tony could have pulled out a lead in the division and flexed his muscle by telling the rest of the league which division is the best, but instead it was Doron who came away triumphant with the division lead and the victory. It will be interesting to see how things pan out the rest of the year. We'll see if Leo can spell his way back into contention, which loser will represent the gay division, and which of the four best teams in the league will be left out of the money. Good luck to all of you, unless your record is under .500.
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This weeks "somebody has to win it" game was between the clockmaker and the guy that nobody knows. The best part about this game is that because Katie lost, there is now a three way (Alan will like this) tie between The Jew, The Gentile and the devil worshipper. The mormon is trying to get involved by being a game out, but as Erica will vouch, Mormon's aren't really christians and shouldn't be considered a religion, they are really more of a devil worshipping, kool-aid drinking, child molesting cult. (Which may be true depending on who you ask. Other things that may be true are: Mormons still practice polygamy, have horns, and they make some mean homemade bread... Oh wait...The child molestion part isn't true, that one goes to the Catholics and their overly friendly priests with a hands on approach to "sex education".) I digress...
The other embarrassment of the week was Vick's Puppy Store who laid an egg against the future league champion, Joyce. Her slow start won't hold her down as she is now storming ahead within her piss poor division. She has the two hottest running backs in the game and she's scoring more points than she's ever scored in her life. Watch out for Joyce as she is the 2nd hottest team in the league with 3 consecutive wins (not bad when you have 4 wins total) and she's also the hottest team owner.
The spelling bee champ may be regretting his trade now that word has spread that Dwayne Bowe will be suspended for 4 games due to substance abuse. It's tough when you can't have the Chief's leading receiver & touchdown man since 2007. Not having him for 4 weeks will be enough to knock you out of contention for good. Trading Moss away for Schaub is next to stupid and a bit of an overreaction, but not as stupid as trading Larry Johnson for Drew Brees like you did last year. Speaking of stupid... the other thing that is stupid is that you never look at cbssports.com at work. We appreaciate your newfound work ethic, but seriously, even Doron spends half his day on that sight.
The Bucking Broncos smacked down the misspelled Shimrpees by putting up the most points in the league for the week as my early season prediction comes to fruition. I predicted that Bo would have more wins than the Broncos. The orange helmeted horse team has 6 wins and after Sunday they will have 4 losses in a row. That 6-0 start will be about as surprising as a 6-10 finish.
This weeks proof that miracles do exist was evidenced by the Kamikaze turds lopsided victory of Señor Sarcasm. You almost scored a 100 points which is about as impressive as UNLV football's record which is amazingly similar to 3 of the teams in your division. Scott needs to pick his head up and get his swagger back. He's having a rough go of late and has lost 3 of 4 and 4 of the last 6 including losses to Keler and Gregg and the lone victory being a 1 point take down of Alan. You just upgraded big time by adding Randy Moss at the expense of a QB that you never play. If people have any brains at all they will decline that trade.
Let's reminisce for a moment shall we? Remember after week 4 when there were 4 undefeated teams? Alan was one of those teams and he said, "I have them right where I want them. I may lose a few games here and there, but I'm in perfect position to ride into the playoffs." Well his plan of losing a few here and there has turned into a 6 game losing streak including a loss of 1 point, 2 points and a tough loss to the worst team in the league after putting up 94 points. Erica can't even count that high, let alone score that many points. No wonder Alan's hair is falling out. I'd be stressing big time too if my team sucked that bad that many weeks in a row. While we'd all like to offer sympathy for your hair loss and poor team, the truth is karma has a wierd way of biting you in the balls.
Finally we come to the battle of division leaders where the porn star came up short in a critical matchup. Tony could have pulled out a lead in the division and flexed his muscle by telling the rest of the league which division is the best, but instead it was Doron who came away triumphant with the division lead and the victory. It will be interesting to see how things pan out the rest of the year. We'll see if Leo can spell his way back into contention, which loser will represent the gay division, and which of the four best teams in the league will be left out of the money. Good luck to all of you, unless your record is under .500.
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