Nobody likes a blow out, just like nobody likes a show off. We will let recent history be the proof. The worst Super Bowl's are blowouts. The Ravens beating down the Giants, boring. 49ers crushing the Chargers, yawn. Cowboys over the Bills (both times), blah. And so for that reason I'm not going to give a ton of attention to the attention whores that so ruthlessly embarrassed their foes.
Tony beat down Henderson's finest by more than 74 points. This is akin to Tony playing baseball against a 5 year old, going yard, then relentlessly talking trash by saying things like "You suck! That was the biggest freaking meatball I've seen since I went to Bucca de Beppo, and the biggest one your mom has seen since... Seriously, you're five? You throw like a 3 year old girl!" It's a 5 year old for crying out loud, there is no need. The same is true for the schlacking you gave CJ. There's a reason why there's a ten run mercy rule in T-ball & softball. I guess congrats are in order for setting a world record in points and for making the rest of the league want to give up on life and contemplate suicide. Life freaking sucks! I will say however, that if you can go through the year undefeated then you should win the entire pot of money.
The second blow-out came from Katie who crushed Joyce. This mock of a competition showed us that Katie is no fluke and she has no mercy either. This match-up was like Michael Phelps vs. the Ethiopians in the pool. Not such a good idea if your the Ethiopians. Actually it's more like Joyce is representing the special olympics and Katie is the ruthless Chinese monsters that eat handicap people for breakfast and train against them to build up their confidence. Katie is super confident now. She's so confident she may end up pregnant like Mariselle soon.
The third spanking came when I found myself up against Leo. I went in with high expectations but left a non-lovable loser (notice who the non-lovable loser was in that pic) for the 5th time in a row. I'm like the retarded kid that gets put in right field on the "coach pitch" little league team. I'm so bad that the coach under hands a rubber ball for me, but that's still too tough. Maybe one day I'll get a win.
The last two match-ups are the type we all love to be a part of only if we win.
This weeks battle of the Israeli born Jew vs. the American Jew was more exciting than a Rodney King riot. After feeling pretty confident that a victory was sealed, Brett Favre threw a pick six enabling Alan's Jet's defense to pick up an extra 8 points and a victory was sealed. The Black Mamba became Alan's "black mama" and Monday's will never be the same again! I'd like to be done with this one and move on but the victory was so sweet and the loss so bitter that it needs this clip incorporated somehow. Or this one. Those clips epitomize what it's like to be so close to scoring and then Bam! You get kicked in the balls and you're forever embarrassed.
Finally, the Boser mounted come back that fell just short. Gregg is usually the one that is used to coming up short, but that is not the case this year. After feeling slightly guilty for leaving us to another bank and getting slaughtered by Joyce, he puffed up his chest, showed off his hairy arms and enjoyed the new bank with a much relaxed dress code to lead his team to victory. Poor Boser needed less than one point to complete the comeback but was unable to do so. I can only imagine what it was like for Boser. Home on a Monday night watching his beloved Vikings stink it up, mount a comeback, allow a TD to Shonn Green(mixed emotions there, excited about fantasy points, sad about the real point deficit, and also some confusion as to why Shonn's name is spelled in that fashion... were the parents too dumb to know how Shonn should be spelled, or just being creative?), then have the 'ol gunslinger do what he does best. That kind of stuff sucks, kind of like enjoying a concert & night out on the town only to get jumped by a bunch of black dudes as you're walking back to the car. Let this be the lesson we should all learn. It is never a good idea to solicit yourself (if you're a dude) as a prostitute, especially to heterosexual black dudes in the ally ways of downtown Las Vegas. You're welcome.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
A few firsts and a last
I hope you all enjoyed my week off. I know I did. Those of you closet readers can thank people like Tony for encouraging me to blog. Despite the fact I picked his team to lose last week, Tony still enjoys the bits of praise thrown in his direction as it boosts his already elevated self-esteem.
We're already talking about Tony so we might as well start off with the wine-bibber (this was Tony pre-bald days) vs. the Iranian Pedofile game which was quite intense; however Boser was unable to fight his way to victory. Sweet justice may have been served as the dog-killer (Vick) got smashed and ruined Boser's chances at victory. It was as if Vick was back in prison where they've changed the saying "When in Rome..." to "If you want to have an orgy, have an orgy!" At least it seems like it felt that way with his ribs being all jacked up. That's the type of party Boser likes best. You got to give Tony some mad props however. He picks a russian QB playing for his beloved Raiders and he gets 23.5 points from it. Either he was drunk from the wine, or he's very sneaky with his moves. I'm thinking it's a little bit of both.
Katie the clockmaker has definitely begun changing her ways. First of all, she doesn't talk as much as the leasing guy. Second she has as many victories this year as she had all of last year. (That may not be totally true, but who really cares.) I'm sure Katie was shaking in her boots when facing the scary gardner snake in week 4. Being that these first few games from Mr. Mamba are a sign of things to come, it should come as no surprise if the snake-handler is left all alone with a sticky mess to clean up. Thankfully this isn't a keeper league so he doesn't have to worry about having the same crappy team next year. The bright side is he has 1 more victory than some other losers in this league (i.e. yours truly).
Leo lucked out this week by playing the "lackadasical warriors." Turns out the warriors were too busy covering their bald spots & learning how to operate microsoft word. All this work was so overwhelming that the Rainbow Warriors didn't make any changes to the lineup which left vacancies in the kicker, not to mention that Alan has more people on the injured / inactive list than anyone in America. This league is quickly turning into a "Haves" & "Have Nots" league. It's quite obvious that both people in this matchup are part of the "Have Nots". Because I'm a nice guy, I'll offer some advice to people like Alan. 1) The internet is now on computers. 2) Look into AARP discounts. 3) Get your oil checked(no, not your car).
Red Light Secret got treated like a dirty little whore trying to play the game but got beat up by his pimp and kicked in the gut. Instead of getting a nice pay day with the 3rd highest point total of the week, Josh got slapped around like a little b, or like he stole something (use whichever analogy you prefer). Either way, Josh's family continues to be embarrassed. When he arrives home from work they immediately place a paper bag over his head and they feed him his food from a dog bowl. Everynow and then Josh gets fed up with it and puts a smackdown on this rambunxious behavior. CJ (Erica's husband) continues to impress us. Despite his love for the Rams, and the fact that he still wears t-shirts from high school, he's turning into a contender.
The title of this blog is a few first and a last. Allow me to elaborate on this... This is the first time I've been in last place in fantasy football. This is the first time Boser didn't promise that an LP would be complete when in reality it was no where near completion. This is the first time in a long time that the clockmaker got out clocked by the leasing guy. And this is the first blog that will be written without the GG being a BON employee. We took an informal, unscientific pole around the city about how intelligent your decision was to change banks. The consensus was that you made a dumb move. Most of us were thrilled to not have to work with Zylka anymore... you liked it so much you moved primarily because of the opportunity to work with him & Call again. If fantasy football is that important to you, then maybe you should take over commissioner duties and recruit Zylka & Call to be in your league. This way there will be no shortage of sarcasm and stupid things said. So I guess this is the last time that we can all dick around the office looking at your IPhone laughing at this stupid blog. Oh well... maybe your replacment will have an IPhone.
Your farewell tour began with a bang as Joyce mopped the floor with your ever increasing in size A** and then kicked you in the crotchal region for good measure. Just think, you were so close to declaring yourself a league champion 8 days ago, now you're grouped in the bunch of losers in more ways than one. (In case you weren't clear what the ways are, I'll spell it out for you... 1) You're record is 2-2 and soon to be 2-3. 2) You work for one of the most undesireable banks in Las Vegas. 3) Your daughter is a spitting image of Godzilla. 4) Your neck is disappearing. (No hard feelings.)
We're already talking about Tony so we might as well start off with the wine-bibber (this was Tony pre-bald days) vs. the Iranian Pedofile game which was quite intense; however Boser was unable to fight his way to victory. Sweet justice may have been served as the dog-killer (Vick) got smashed and ruined Boser's chances at victory. It was as if Vick was back in prison where they've changed the saying "When in Rome..." to "If you want to have an orgy, have an orgy!" At least it seems like it felt that way with his ribs being all jacked up. That's the type of party Boser likes best. You got to give Tony some mad props however. He picks a russian QB playing for his beloved Raiders and he gets 23.5 points from it. Either he was drunk from the wine, or he's very sneaky with his moves. I'm thinking it's a little bit of both.
Katie the clockmaker has definitely begun changing her ways. First of all, she doesn't talk as much as the leasing guy. Second she has as many victories this year as she had all of last year. (That may not be totally true, but who really cares.) I'm sure Katie was shaking in her boots when facing the scary gardner snake in week 4. Being that these first few games from Mr. Mamba are a sign of things to come, it should come as no surprise if the snake-handler is left all alone with a sticky mess to clean up. Thankfully this isn't a keeper league so he doesn't have to worry about having the same crappy team next year. The bright side is he has 1 more victory than some other losers in this league (i.e. yours truly).
Leo lucked out this week by playing the "lackadasical warriors." Turns out the warriors were too busy covering their bald spots & learning how to operate microsoft word. All this work was so overwhelming that the Rainbow Warriors didn't make any changes to the lineup which left vacancies in the kicker, not to mention that Alan has more people on the injured / inactive list than anyone in America. This league is quickly turning into a "Haves" & "Have Nots" league. It's quite obvious that both people in this matchup are part of the "Have Nots". Because I'm a nice guy, I'll offer some advice to people like Alan. 1) The internet is now on computers. 2) Look into AARP discounts. 3) Get your oil checked(no, not your car).
Red Light Secret got treated like a dirty little whore trying to play the game but got beat up by his pimp and kicked in the gut. Instead of getting a nice pay day with the 3rd highest point total of the week, Josh got slapped around like a little b, or like he stole something (use whichever analogy you prefer). Either way, Josh's family continues to be embarrassed. When he arrives home from work they immediately place a paper bag over his head and they feed him his food from a dog bowl. Everynow and then Josh gets fed up with it and puts a smackdown on this rambunxious behavior. CJ (Erica's husband) continues to impress us. Despite his love for the Rams, and the fact that he still wears t-shirts from high school, he's turning into a contender.
The title of this blog is a few first and a last. Allow me to elaborate on this... This is the first time I've been in last place in fantasy football. This is the first time Boser didn't promise that an LP would be complete when in reality it was no where near completion. This is the first time in a long time that the clockmaker got out clocked by the leasing guy. And this is the first blog that will be written without the GG being a BON employee. We took an informal, unscientific pole around the city about how intelligent your decision was to change banks. The consensus was that you made a dumb move. Most of us were thrilled to not have to work with Zylka anymore... you liked it so much you moved primarily because of the opportunity to work with him & Call again. If fantasy football is that important to you, then maybe you should take over commissioner duties and recruit Zylka & Call to be in your league. This way there will be no shortage of sarcasm and stupid things said. So I guess this is the last time that we can all dick around the office looking at your IPhone laughing at this stupid blog. Oh well... maybe your replacment will have an IPhone.
Your farewell tour began with a bang as Joyce mopped the floor with your ever increasing in size A** and then kicked you in the crotchal region for good measure. Just think, you were so close to declaring yourself a league champion 8 days ago, now you're grouped in the bunch of losers in more ways than one. (In case you weren't clear what the ways are, I'll spell it out for you... 1) You're record is 2-2 and soon to be 2-3. 2) You work for one of the most undesireable banks in Las Vegas. 3) Your daughter is a spitting image of Godzilla. 4) Your neck is disappearing. (No hard feelings.)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Short but not so sweet
Here's the deal... I'm not that creative and can't continue to come up with new and creative insults week in and week out for 3 years running. Because I try to be crass, yet not too crude it's difficult. Because of that, I'm going to reduce the commentary to a line or two about each game. If you don't like it, then you can start paying me a blogger fee and I'll improve on the insults.
Let's start with loser #1 - Josh & his Red Light Secret. Turns out it wasn't a red light secret, more like a blue light special for a discount on fantasy points. This beat down was so bad that Renae has left Josh for a small penised Asian man. Good luck taking care of her GG. On a serious note, you deserve all the credit for your victory and for being #1 in the league.
Joyce quickly met all of our expectations by falling asleep at the wheel. She probably figured that since she was up against a wine connosier that she would beat him at his own game. So Friday night she got the nicest box of wine 7-11 had and started drinking. Apparently it got so bad that she forgot that Ryan Grant was out for the season and Brett Favre sucks this year. Don't worry though Joyce, Tony didn't make all the right moves either as his bench had more points than your whole team.
It's nice to see that even fat Iranian pedophiles can win every now and then. Like Whitney Houston, Boser believes the children are the future so he lets them laugh and shows them the beauty they possess inside. What a sicko. Turns out that Alan's CPU is still infected with a gay roman porn virus which is partially why he has 3 inactive players on his team including 1 in the starting lineup. The best part is that Alan picked his team, not the CPU. I'm sure this is all part of his strategy, which makes perfect sense. Pretend you're an idiot, fall way behind in the standings, and then BAM!, you miss the playoffs.
Black Mamba found its bite and got a mouthful of Leo. That paints a pretty picture in your head.
Finally, the clockmaker herself, Katie, orchestrated the highest point total of the week. To be honest, I'm very disappointed with Katie as of late for the following reasons: 1) Her caveman husband discovered fire and burnt his beard off making him look like a normal man. 2) The long winded, never ending stories seemed to have disappeared. 3) She's stepped up to the plate and taken on a portfolio. Way to go Katie. Before I give the caveman too much credit, it should be noted that he's a parkour guy, and likes to make love to apes. Gross, but that's how he rolls.
Let's start with loser #1 - Josh & his Red Light Secret. Turns out it wasn't a red light secret, more like a blue light special for a discount on fantasy points. This beat down was so bad that Renae has left Josh for a small penised Asian man. Good luck taking care of her GG. On a serious note, you deserve all the credit for your victory and for being #1 in the league.
Joyce quickly met all of our expectations by falling asleep at the wheel. She probably figured that since she was up against a wine connosier that she would beat him at his own game. So Friday night she got the nicest box of wine 7-11 had and started drinking. Apparently it got so bad that she forgot that Ryan Grant was out for the season and Brett Favre sucks this year. Don't worry though Joyce, Tony didn't make all the right moves either as his bench had more points than your whole team.
It's nice to see that even fat Iranian pedophiles can win every now and then. Like Whitney Houston, Boser believes the children are the future so he lets them laugh and shows them the beauty they possess inside. What a sicko. Turns out that Alan's CPU is still infected with a gay roman porn virus which is partially why he has 3 inactive players on his team including 1 in the starting lineup. The best part is that Alan picked his team, not the CPU. I'm sure this is all part of his strategy, which makes perfect sense. Pretend you're an idiot, fall way behind in the standings, and then BAM!, you miss the playoffs.
Black Mamba found its bite and got a mouthful of Leo. That paints a pretty picture in your head.
Finally, the clockmaker herself, Katie, orchestrated the highest point total of the week. To be honest, I'm very disappointed with Katie as of late for the following reasons: 1) Her caveman husband discovered fire and burnt his beard off making him look like a normal man. 2) The long winded, never ending stories seemed to have disappeared. 3) She's stepped up to the plate and taken on a portfolio. Way to go Katie. Before I give the caveman too much credit, it should be noted that he's a parkour guy, and likes to make love to apes. Gross, but that's how he rolls.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The insults remain the same
Very few of you should be proud of what just transpired this past week. As far as fantasy football leagues are concerned, this was embarrassing. It's like a boys team losing to the girls. It's like Gregg crapping his pants while fielding a grounder at second base. It's like Boser saying he'll have a write-up done on Monday and it not being done until the following Monday.
Tony kicked everybody's A** in what will most likely be a preview of things to come. This is just like him too. I put up the 3rd most points of the week and still get beat down like my red headed wife did when she was a stepchild. Whatever special kool-aid Tony is drinking, we may need to invest in some of those bottles so we can purify our picks and be more like Tony (at least as far as fantasy football is concerned.)
The Asian Underground surprised even himself by scoring more than 100 points. A feat that was seldomly accomplished last year. What wasn't surprising was that Alan's team sucked. I have an idea, why don't you play a running back that's on the injured list and plays for the Raiders. Since you like having injured guys on your roster... I hear that Ryan Grant (out for the season) is available. Try picking him up on the waiver wire. The best part is the weak excuse you gave up..."My computer has a virus." You sound like your gay 15 your old son explaining why he couldn't do his write-up on the Ancient Roman's. Turns out he could've done it, but he got so turned on by those Roman's that he lost his concentration, downloaded too much Gay-Roman porn and now your computer has a virus. Think of the positive... now your wife and son have something to do together.
The Iranian Pedofile (That's Boser) embarrassed arabs everywhere by exposing his weakness in week 1. No staying power! It was almost as if he was walking to his car from a rap concert when all of a sudden Katie and her black homies lynched him like it was reverse racism in the 60's. All Boser could do was cover his head in shame while screaming for his mommy. Good thing it was just Katie punching him rather than Tony. This was one of those "lucky for Katie moments". She was lucky she was facing Mahmud Ahmadinejad and not the USA, or even Israel for that matter. One final comment... David we invited you to this league because we thought you were a cool guy. While it's fun to beat an opponent in fantasy football, it's not so much fun when it's a train wreck. Please do all of us a favor and man-up next week.
The Black Mamba got off to an exciting start by losing to Henderson's finest. It seems the mamba's bark was much louder than its bite (please see the gardner snake reference from last year). If this was the warning message you were sending in week 1 by losing to a team that had 2 victories all of last year... you're message has been heard and it sounds like this: "Even though I'm an Israeli, my fantasy football team is made up of a bunch of Palestinians."
Finally, Joyce pulled Leo's pants down and spanked him like a naughty little boy(which explains all of the bruises on her hand!). Who's your daddy Leo? Joyce is!
As far as the last man standing competition is concerned... Thanks to 4 of your for bowing out in week #1. I invite you to join back in for $20, but totally understand why you wouldn't. One last comment about this competition... It's a good thing that Sam isn't an analyst. His skills told him that picking the 49ers to win was a good idea. Turns out that was one of the most lopsided losses he could've picked. My advice to the rest of us, ask Sam his opinion and go the other way. I was going to embed the spreadsheet in this blog, but it's too late to figure that out right now. If you really want to know, email me and I'll forward you a copy.
Tony kicked everybody's A** in what will most likely be a preview of things to come. This is just like him too. I put up the 3rd most points of the week and still get beat down like my red headed wife did when she was a stepchild. Whatever special kool-aid Tony is drinking, we may need to invest in some of those bottles so we can purify our picks and be more like Tony (at least as far as fantasy football is concerned.)
The Asian Underground surprised even himself by scoring more than 100 points. A feat that was seldomly accomplished last year. What wasn't surprising was that Alan's team sucked. I have an idea, why don't you play a running back that's on the injured list and plays for the Raiders. Since you like having injured guys on your roster... I hear that Ryan Grant (out for the season) is available. Try picking him up on the waiver wire. The best part is the weak excuse you gave up..."My computer has a virus." You sound like your gay 15 your old son explaining why he couldn't do his write-up on the Ancient Roman's. Turns out he could've done it, but he got so turned on by those Roman's that he lost his concentration, downloaded too much Gay-Roman porn and now your computer has a virus. Think of the positive... now your wife and son have something to do together.
The Iranian Pedofile (That's Boser) embarrassed arabs everywhere by exposing his weakness in week 1. No staying power! It was almost as if he was walking to his car from a rap concert when all of a sudden Katie and her black homies lynched him like it was reverse racism in the 60's. All Boser could do was cover his head in shame while screaming for his mommy. Good thing it was just Katie punching him rather than Tony. This was one of those "lucky for Katie moments". She was lucky she was facing Mahmud Ahmadinejad and not the USA, or even Israel for that matter. One final comment... David we invited you to this league because we thought you were a cool guy. While it's fun to beat an opponent in fantasy football, it's not so much fun when it's a train wreck. Please do all of us a favor and man-up next week.
The Black Mamba got off to an exciting start by losing to Henderson's finest. It seems the mamba's bark was much louder than its bite (please see the gardner snake reference from last year). If this was the warning message you were sending in week 1 by losing to a team that had 2 victories all of last year... you're message has been heard and it sounds like this: "Even though I'm an Israeli, my fantasy football team is made up of a bunch of Palestinians."
Finally, Joyce pulled Leo's pants down and spanked him like a naughty little boy(which explains all of the bruises on her hand!). Who's your daddy Leo? Joyce is!
As far as the last man standing competition is concerned... Thanks to 4 of your for bowing out in week #1. I invite you to join back in for $20, but totally understand why you wouldn't. One last comment about this competition... It's a good thing that Sam isn't an analyst. His skills told him that picking the 49ers to win was a good idea. Turns out that was one of the most lopsided losses he could've picked. My advice to the rest of us, ask Sam his opinion and go the other way. I was going to embed the spreadsheet in this blog, but it's too late to figure that out right now. If you really want to know, email me and I'll forward you a copy.
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