Time Bomb

With each passing week things get more and more exciting. The loser division has a tight race with Joyce & Alan tied for first. The BFF division is close with Doron in first. And is there really any surprise that Zylka is right behind Doron? Don't look now, but Leo could be in contention for the division after this week if he can beat Doron. Tony is starting to pull away with the other division as he has the best record and a strong lineup. The other race is for the wild card which will be undetermined for a few weeks.

I figured with this being Thanksgiving weekend I would share things for which I am thankful.

First of all I'm thankful that I'm not married to Katie. If she picks husbands like she picks fantasy football teams then you know her caveman is a real winner. Katie got slaughtered by the spelling bee champ which is about what she's used to. What was even worse than the defeat was watching her precious Steelers get beat by one of the worst teams in the world, the Kansas City Chiefs. And to add injury to insult, Rothlisburger was injured and his head / highlighted hair may not be alright for this week's game. Leo showed us this week that attention to detail isn't that important when you're playing Katie. Basically a full lineup will do the job. Leo is a little bitter about the trade not going through but he's just using that as motivation to kick butt these last few weeks.

Second I'm thankful for those who have an optimistic outlook on life. Zylka is not one of those people. Rather he is totally bitter primarily because of the rejected trade. There have been threats of not playing next year, or taking $25 worth of pennies and throwing them at certain ringleaders that disrupted the trade or even deficating on people's cars like a certain cat in the basement has been known to do. We'll have to see what Zylka will do, but in the meantime we have to deal with the hellish fury of a scorned only child (a slight variation of the original saying). Vick's Puppy Store was the first victim of Zylka's tirade and we all may be victims if we're not more kind to this very fragile human being. There is no telling what Señor Sarcasm will do. If we're lucky he'll just beat up on a few weaklings in the league, if were unlucky we might want to wear bullet proof vests to work. Only time will tell if Señor Sarcasm will turn into Psycho Sarcasm.

Third, I'm thankful for America and how freaking awesome it is. Japan is not as good as America and Gregg's team is not as good as Tony's. Just like the Japanese always do however, (put up a nice fight, but end up losing (i.e. WWII)) so did GG. 101 points is a lot of points for a guy who gets off by watching children cry, but it wasn't enough because Tony did what the Americans always do...win! That's right, Americans are freaking winners. We invented water parks, fast food, the car, and imported slavery. There is nothing we can't do. And there is nothing that Tony can't do, including beating an opponent without having anybody on his team score a touchdown, punk a little kid out of his Halloween candy, and destroy kids' dreams of getting runover by a car while they play in his street. That's right, Tony is the man. He has the best record in the league and he has the best hairdo as well. Gregg is quite the opposite. He has the worst team in the league and the biggest head.

Fourth, I'm thankful for the freedom's enjoyed in America. I'm not a big proponent of the women's right movement, but in the name of equal opportunity I think it's great. It means that I can punch a woman in the face and have it be ok, and it also means that Joyce can beatdown a Black Mamba and move a step closer to the playoffs. There is no glass ceiling in fantasy football. The irony of Mamba's loss to a girl is the fact that he was beat with his old players. Good 'ol Hines Ward came through with 18 points vs. Marshall's 2. Chris Johnson had 15 points and Ray Rice had 13. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the year plays out to see how Joyce finishes up the season. She sure is lucky to be in the worst division in the history of fantasy football.

Fifth, I'm thankful for big things. You know what I mean... Super Sized Meals, 1/2 pound hamburgers, H2 Hummers, Big women, big houses, the list goes on. And in a world where there are no little people, just people with smaller bodies and bigger aspirations we have the Foreigner busting a move to try and make a late push into contention. This may be a classic too little too late, but like the little train taught us, if we don't think we can, then there's no way we can. Unfortunately for Keler, he can't play Erica's pitiful team every week. Keler is in nice position to sneak in the backdoor and possibly steal the wild card position. He's 6-5 and going up against a divisional opponent. Our bank's favorite SBA rep might come up big afterall.

Finally, I'm thankful for Alan in my life. He's a helluva guy to help put things into perspective. Just today I was down in the dumps and Alan comes by to cheer me up. The key points behind his motivation were that he's busier than everyone in our office, his kids are the dumbest kids around and his wife does absolutely nothing for him or anyone else. The part that makes all of that OK in Alan's world however is that his 6 game losing streak finally came to an end. It took a 124 point effort to overcome an impressive 107 point Bo effort, but he did it. He showed Joyce that he's not willing to lie down and let her violate him and his division. He may even punch her in her equal rights face. That would be a violation of his anger management program so hopefully he'll stick with verbally assaulting her and maybe spitting in her general direction. Congrats on the victory Alan, and good luck in working your way towards being anger free.

Tick Tock

What a bizarre week it was. Every team that won, with the exception of the albino mamba, had a losing record. It's just one of the wierd things that can happen in a fantasy league. Kind of like how horrible one of the divisions is in this league. Here's what's crazy; The Japanese Kamakazi Turds are 1 game out of first with a 3-7 record! The thought that he could actually make the playoffs is frightening considering that he statistically has the 2nd worse team. The only other team statistically worse is Hey Reb, which is considered a bye week in 48 of the states. Only Hawaii and Alaska recognize Hey Reb as an actual fantasy team and that's because they haven't received their certified letters yet.

This weeks "somebody has to win it" game was between the clockmaker and the guy that nobody knows. The best part about this game is that because Katie lost, there is now a three way (Alan will like this) tie between The Jew, The Gentile and the devil worshipper. The mormon is trying to get involved by being a game out, but as Erica will vouch, Mormon's aren't really christians and shouldn't be considered a religion, they are really more of a devil worshipping, kool-aid drinking, child molesting cult. (Which may be true depending on who you ask. Other things that may be true are: Mormons still practice polygamy, have horns, and they make some mean homemade bread... Oh wait...The child molestion part isn't true, that one goes to the Catholics and their overly friendly priests with a hands on approach to "sex education".) I digress...

The other embarrassment of the week was Vick's Puppy Store who laid an egg against the future league champion, Joyce. Her slow start won't hold her down as she is now storming ahead within her piss poor division. She has the two hottest running backs in the game and she's scoring more points than she's ever scored in her life. Watch out for Joyce as she is the 2nd hottest team in the league with 3 consecutive wins (not bad when you have 4 wins total) and she's also the hottest team owner.

The spelling bee champ may be regretting his trade now that word has spread that Dwayne Bowe will be suspended for 4 games due to substance abuse. It's tough when you can't have the Chief's leading receiver & touchdown man since 2007. Not having him for 4 weeks will be enough to knock you out of contention for good. Trading Moss away for Schaub is next to stupid and a bit of an overreaction, but not as stupid as trading Larry Johnson for Drew Brees like you did last year. Speaking of stupid... the other thing that is stupid is that you never look at cbssports.com at work. We appreaciate your newfound work ethic, but seriously, even Doron spends half his day on that sight.

The Bucking Broncos smacked down the misspelled Shimrpees by putting up the most points in the league for the week as my early season prediction comes to fruition. I predicted that Bo would have more wins than the Broncos. The orange helmeted horse team has 6 wins and after Sunday they will have 4 losses in a row. That 6-0 start will be about as surprising as a 6-10 finish.

This weeks proof that miracles do exist was evidenced by the Kamikaze turds lopsided victory of Señor Sarcasm. You almost scored a 100 points which is about as impressive as UNLV football's record which is amazingly similar to 3 of the teams in your division. Scott needs to pick his head up and get his swagger back. He's having a rough go of late and has lost 3 of 4 and 4 of the last 6 including losses to Keler and Gregg and the lone victory being a 1 point take down of Alan. You just upgraded big time by adding Randy Moss at the expense of a QB that you never play. If people have any brains at all they will decline that trade.

Let's reminisce for a moment shall we? Remember after week 4 when there were 4 undefeated teams? Alan was one of those teams and he said, "I have them right where I want them. I may lose a few games here and there, but I'm in perfect position to ride into the playoffs." Well his plan of losing a few here and there has turned into a 6 game losing streak including a loss of 1 point, 2 points and a tough loss to the worst team in the league after putting up 94 points. Erica can't even count that high, let alone score that many points. No wonder Alan's hair is falling out. I'd be stressing big time too if my team sucked that bad that many weeks in a row. While we'd all like to offer sympathy for your hair loss and poor team, the truth is karma has a wierd way of biting you in the balls.

Finally we come to the battle of division leaders where the porn star came up short in a critical matchup. Tony could have pulled out a lead in the division and flexed his muscle by telling the rest of the league which division is the best, but instead it was Doron who came away triumphant with the division lead and the victory. It will be interesting to see how things pan out the rest of the year. We'll see if Leo can spell his way back into contention, which loser will represent the gay division, and which of the four best teams in the league will be left out of the money. Good luck to all of you, unless your record is under .500.

Give the people what they want

I am a man of the people. And as that man, I will give you what you want. More sarcasm, more ridicule and more jokes pointed at Katie with her new nickname, "The ClockMaker." Why the ClockMaker? Because you ask her what time it is, and she'll tell you how to make a clock. It's late at night and I'm a little loopy so let's get started.

First of all, I like how Leo the loser is trying to start a revolution within the league by proposing a 6 team playoff. How self-centered are we Leo? It appears at this moment that you would NOT be one of the top 4 teams, so how wonderful an idea it would be for you to propose something that is not even possible. I know your other league has different capabilities, but keep in mind what Zylka's team name is; "This Site Sucks." And it truly does. Because we did not pay a $250 league fee, we can't use all the nice features that are available for free on sites like Yahoo or ESPN. That is reason number 1 why this site will NOT be used next year. I have other reasons, such as the scoring, functionality and cost. So anyway, even if it were unanimous, there is no possible way for us to alter the way our league is dictated. I know you are frustrated, so the best thing for you to do is to go home to your smoking hot wife and ridicule her. If that doesn't make you feel better than go clown on your kid who can't even walk or talk yet. As far as I'm concerned he's good for one thing right now and that's being a doorstop.

I had a roommate my freshman year in college that said all sorts of funny stuff. One of his favorite quotes was "If. If. If. If my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle." That is Alan's theme for the past two weeks and past 3 out of 5. He lost by 1 point two weeks ago and last week he lost by 2. The worst thing coming from Alan's mouth is the excuses of how Calvin Johnson sucks, or if Eagles don't suck cock, or whatever thing he comes up with. The truth of the matter is this; Alan beat up on the weakest division to start off with, and now he is tied for first with a record below .500 and Joyce is breathing down his neck (both literally and figuratively). My bold prediction is that Joyce wins that division and Gregg commits harakiri. Let's not be overly critical of Alan's team. Rather we should be loud and clear that Tony's team is the best in the league right now which is why he has won 6 games in a row and scored the most points.

The other guy making noise in the league is the Mamba who beat the hell out of the clockmaker and the rest of the league. Nice work by duping Joyce & the rest of the league by putting together a "fair" trade which netted you some serious players. Nice Ray Rice addition and Brandon Marshall is working out well too. Thank you for being so generous with your trade. In addition to duping the league into believing your trade was a fair one, you've also convinced the office to start working. The glory days were before you came to our region and we'd sit around playing strip poker and horseshoes with an occasional boccie ball mixed in. Now we have to do actual work and write the LP's & AAM's ourselves rather than outsourcing our work to India. Oh well, I guess this work thing is good for us, but time will tell. Katie - congrats to your Steelers for embarrassing the Broncos. Also, I swear if your mom grabs my butt again I'm going to grab her boob. OK, not really, but I'll expect a sushi lunch out of it. I may have a nice butt, but you can't just grab it without paying for it. I'm a male-whore.

Joyce is moving on up in the league. It's hard not to laugh after reading that, but sadly enough it's true. She lucked out by being in the worst division where you can be three games under .500 and still be 1 game out of first. If you take a realistic look at that division, you'll realize that Joyce is in prime position to take that division over. I don't care what happens, if she wins the league with a sub .500 record, she's not getting the money. Leo had a nice effort with more than 100 points but it was weak QB play that hurt you the most. You can't win em all so you might as well try to rig the system so you can "make things more exciting."

The surprise of the weak came when Keler beat Señor Sarcasm. All the witty remarks weren't enough to put you past the little guy on this one. Keler didn't even care enough to put in a full lineup and it was still enough to come away victorious. I have to admit that I prefer having Señor Sarcasm win because he is more likely to contribute various ideas to the blog. Unfortunately the sour grapes called defeat also caused a case of "writers block."

Bo... just because you don't work with us anymore doesn't mean you throw in the towel with your team. That being said, without you putting forth your best team, you still spanked the Japanese turds. It's been awhile since a team has gone from 1st to worst in such a quick time frame, but Gregg is showing us all how lucky he was to win last year, and how his knowledge of sports is only slightly higher than Mr. Call's. The main advantage in GG's corner is his ability to properly pronounce names. Then again, we may hear a few "Brent Far" references coming from GG's office sooner than later. It's too bad that you can't recall your entire team and start over again.

Finally we come to my match up where I had a bye week and still got a W. Thanks for at least putting in a full lineup Erica.

A few quick notes before I close:
1) There is a Thursday game starting this week and continuing on for the rest of the year (I believe). Be sure to check the schedule so you don't get screwed.
2) This site seriously does suck and will not be used next year.
3) Contrary to popular belief, I think this league is very exciting. Every division has shared ownership of first and with the exception of my division & Gregg, almost everybody else has a real chance of winning it all if you keep winning.

No title this week

There are some people in this league that do all they can to lose. Alan is a prime example of that guy. His team starts out 4-0. He claims that he has his division right where he wants them. He said that he could "take a few weeks off" and then he'd be ready for the playoffs and then in a cruel twist of irony, the armed robbery king was robbed yet again (this would be the 16th time), and this time by one of his beloved Lions, Calvin Johnson. Instead of suiting up, this Lion turned cowardly and chose not to suit up for Week 8. Nice contribution to the Blog Zylka and even nicer effort by doing as little as possible and still beating Alan by the foreskin on your teeth by one point.

Long and First absolutely embarrassed the illiterate stumpy & second. For the 3rd week in a row Tony put up some Dirk Digler type numbers and has proven that not only is he a porn-star, but a fantasy football star as well. He is tied for first in the toughest division in the league, and tied for the most points scored. Mr. Horrible-Comebacks was unable to climb back into this game by putting up a pitiful 53 spot. Mama said there'd be days like this but she didn't say that they would be so crappy!

After closing off his borders for many weeks, the Japanese Turd has made an appearance. It's not one that most people will care about since he only beat one of the other poor teams in the league to earn his 2nd victory, however what is noteworthy is that Gregg scored more than 100 points for the first time since week 2! It's about time you put something on the field worth playing. What's even crazier than Gregg winning is the fact that he and Joyce are both only 2 games out of first in their piss poor division with a real possibility of making the playoffs. I say that because it's only a matter of time before Alan flips off cbssports.com and gives up and soon Katie will begin the over analysis and end up starting 7 Pittsburg Steelers. Erica / CJ... I have nothing to say at this moment but I am disappointed.

It's amazing how sometimes zero effort can payoff in the form of a victory. It's almost as if Joyce was trying to lose this past week by playing David Garrard (a cancer) and a kicker & WR that were both on a bye week. Somehow she was still able to put up 112 points and beat up on Salt Lake City's finest SBA rep and Salt Lake City's worst fantasy football player. It was a valiant 98 point effort put up by Keler, but, like most things in his life, he came up just a little bit short.

Black Mamba held on for dear life as Bo & the Bucking Broncos had most of their key players on a bye week (including the dreamy Tom Brady & the Keler like Wes Welker). That's the beauty of fantasy football though. Some weeks you show up with your C-game and still leave a winner. Other weeks you put up massive numbers and walk away a loser. Speaking of losers... Bo- your Broncos lost for the first time this year last week and Doron your BoSox are on year #3 of 86 more years until another World Series is in beantown.

And finally we come to the game between the perverted polygamist flasher, devli worshiper, caveman's wife Katie and the village idiot. I say Village Idiot because only a retard would lose to Katie. But as it can happen, sometimes there aren't any moves you can make that would change the outcome. I asked Katie to explain the victory and this is what I got (Warning, like most of Katie's conversations, this one is way too long and goes nowhere very slowly): Well, going into the week I knew I wasn't going to have any of my Steelers which is funny because the last time the Steelers had a bye week in 2008 I think I was vacationing in Hawaii... no wait, maybe I was camping with my caveman husband... Oh, no. Yes, hmmm... yeah it was Hawaii, I remember because I went with my mother-in-law (who is also a cave-woman) while my husband went hunting and anyway I was really nervous because I didn't want to make the wrong move and accidentally drop a Steeler because that would be really bad luck. And believe you me I know about bad luck, just look at how paranoid I am. I think everything and everyone is against me. Anyway... blah blah blah blah blah (it went on like this for about 25 minutes before I pretended to get a phone call and I walked away while Katie talked to herself).