Week 3 (this time with love)

After reviewing one of the books that I recently read, I have realized that I am not “winning friends and influencing people” through my sarcastic (albeit witty) blog. My wife pointed out that the comments made within the blog may one day come back to bite be in the balls. I can imagine the press conference, “City Councilman Haldeman, you stated in a blog in September 2009 that women are only good for being pregnant and barefoot. Why would you say that?” To which I would reply, “When Katie’s grandma grabs your butt, you begin to feel an empowerment that gives you the liberty to say things that are hurtful, but not true. I wish to apologize to any of the barefoot & pregnant women that may have taken offense to my remarks and simultaneously give them kudos for learning how to read.“ Anyway, on to the football blog and the clowning as I continue to dig a deeper hole while making myself more and more un-electable with each posting.

The person in the league most likely not to win “Father of the Year” is Leo. (Congrats by the way on the new addition.) What does Leo do immediately following the birth of his son? He loses, plays an inactive receiver and then immediately blames the loss on his son (see his posting on the league’s homepage where he states “Gavin Schafer plays fantasy football for the first time”). It’s one thing to be busy with family things and not get to your fantasy football league, but it’s quite another to throw your 1 day old son under the bus and blame him for the loss. Even he is smart enough to make the appropriate changes before the games start, we think. While the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, let’s hope that your son can avoid the “sloppy office syndrome” that plagued you. I should now congratulate the winner of this beatdown (Hey Reb) but since both Erica & CJ are “too busy” (Erica’s words) to really care about this league there will be no congratulatory remarks here.

My next comments will only be of sincere praise to the lovely, perky, bright and cheery Joyce Fogetaboutit. You absolutely slaughtered the Japanese Turd. You did it while starting a RB that had been declared injured for the day, but not even that could slow down the J-Train. I may have been hard on you for some of your whacky moves, which may begin to show that you are more than a smoking hot babe and that your brain was using analytical skills for those moves that nobody on planet earth could comprehend. In addition to your skills as a fantasy player, you showed us that you are quite the computer guru as well as you were able to get a logo for your team. As for the Turd-man, he stunk it up as expected. That was quite the 60 point effort you put out and even more impressive is 1) the fact that your bench outscored your starters 2) you got 2 points total from your WR and 3) you still haven’t started Willis McGahee. You may consider consulting with Joyce before you make any more stupid moves.

The Puff Adder snake has been downgraded to a rattlesnake. There is some venom in the bite, but when you are matched up against a hemorrhoid like the sarcastic Zylka, you need to pack more of a punch. Your 89 point output was valiant and good enough for the 4th most of the week, but unfortunately you faced a formidable opponent, not a worthless bum like Turd-man. Señor Sarcastic – congrats on the victory and on joining one of three teams in the 3-0 club.

In the embarrassing matchup of the week the Foreigner got humiliated by the Bucking Broncos. The part that makes this loss especially embarrassing is that the Foreigner started the wrong Saints running back. Had he read the CBS report any time during the week, he would have realized that Bell is done and Thomas is in. The only thing worse than Keler’s loss is the fact that I enjoy this website as much as I do. Congrats on the win Bo. It’s amazing that you, unlike Katie (see below) are able to multi-task. Meaning you are able to vacation and play fantasy football simultaneously.

The reason why Katie lost this week is the same reason why the Steelers lost. That reason is 1) they’re really not that good and 2) lack of attention to detail. I can already here the retort from Katie… “I didn’t have access to the internet… I was camping & fishing… blah blah blah…” To which I would reply, “That’s what you get for marrying a caveman husband that doesn’t realize you can go fishing and hiking and stay at a bed & breakfast or a cabin. This way you don’t stink like Warren the whole time and you can make adjustments to your lineup.” To which Katie would reply, “I know… you’re right… Isn’t it weird that my grandma grabbed your butt?” And the answer to that is: Yes. Yes, it is weird that your grandma grabbed my butt and even more weird than that is that I enjoyed it. Congratulations Mr. Fitzhugh. Not only are you cleansed of your sins (well probably not too clean now since it’s been a day since Yom Kippur), but now you are part of the exclusive 3-0 club. You keep playing the Jew Card and you might luck your way into a championship. Then again what’ll happen is in typical Jew fashion you’ll have a couple of losses, you’ll start to whine & complain and then end up wandering in the fantasy football-land desert for 40 years. Enjoy that manna. It’s unleavened!

Finally Long and First became the third to fall victim of Vick’s Puppy Pound as he is the third member of the 3-0 club. I don’t want to be too harsh because Tony has already threatened to beat me down, burn my house and eat my unborn children if I’m relentless in my verbal attack. And since I firmly believe that the pen is NOT mightier than the sword, rather than being rude I’ll simply congratulate Tony on being a formidable opponent. By formidable I mean an opponent that simply sucked. Hopefully you’ll have better luck next week against the new & improved Joyce.

And you wonder why there's a glass ceiling!

Here are a few interesting facts from Week 2. 1) All of the girls in the league lost (No, Tony is not a girl, but he did lose, but had he faced a girl he would've won). 2) The girls all had the lowest scores of the week. So because the ladies are inept at fantasy football you are now subject to some woman bashing. You want to know why most women make less than men when in the same position? Want to know why there are fewer women CEO's then men? Want to know why you should have your right to vote taken away? Want to know why you should be staying at home, barefoot & pregnant while making us men some food and then pleasing us in the bedroom? The answer to all of those questions is the same... because you can not handle a simple task such as managing a fantasy football team. Yes, it really is that simple! To elaborate further on this please check with Ron Burgandy

Fogetaboutit is a prime example by forgetting things like the following:
- Picking up a free agent quarterback is supposed to get you points (Jeff Garcia is not a good idea).
- The purpose of playing fantasy football is to outscore your opponent, not get hammered like an 18 year old drunk.
- When it’s your turn to bring breakfast into the morning meeting, that means you bring breakfast. It's ok though Joyce, we all have those moments. Some refer to them as "Senior Moments" but when they become a habit, it just means your old & senile. Congrats to Mr. Fitzgerald. You're 2-0 and really excited about life. Your receivers suck and so does your bench but you've had some good play from a few people each time to make you a winner. And when you're closing in on 50 sometimes that's good enough.

I'd better address the Black Mamba issue now because he was not too happy about last weeks post. The truth of it is when your team sucks, you need to hear about it and be referred to as a garden snake. But when your team opens up a can, then you deserve to have your gardner snake nickname taken back and have a more potent snake nickname returned. While your performance was impressive, it wasn't quite Black Mamba-ish enough. This week you'll be upgraded to an Adder Snake. To you Hey Reb... it's quite possible that you have the worst team in Fantasy Football land. I know that Erica will claim that she has nothing to to with the league and that it's CJ's team, but the truth is she can't back out of it that easy, unless of course you're ok with the proverbial glass ceiling.

The other guy deserving some props this week is Mr. SBA himself. It's not that much fun making fun of you because half the people in the league don't realize that you look like a mini-metrosexual, so please come in and introduce yourself to them so they know what they're laughing at when you decide to put Carson Palmer back in the rotation. You came up big against a formidable opponent and put up the 2nd most points for the week. Quite a difference compared to your impotent effort in week 1 when you took sleeping pills instead of Viagra. Long and First got outplayed by short and second in this one despite a 97 point output. I'm sure Tony is used to disappointments by this time in his life. If he wasn't used to them before his BON life, he's used to them now. It can't get more disappointing then taking over two of the worst portfolios in the bank and then having to sit in Warren's old office which is a cespool for a number of germs & diseases that haven't been discovered yet.

Katie, the Steelers lost, so you deserve to lose too. The truth is you are so much better this year than you were last year that it's hard to clown on you. Joyce should use you as a case study because you were seriously that bad last year. Thank heavens you've pulled your head out of your butt because you're better than that. The Japanese Kamakazi Turds have been desperate as of late to pick up a new WR. Word has it that he's willing to part with Willis McGahee for next to nothing. MC emailed to see if you would trade Willis for Larry Rice or possibly Brent Far (to those of you who don't find this funny, you need to know that MC (a guy that used to work here) once referred to the Super Bowl as the "Super Serpies" and pronounced Brett Farve's name wrong all the time. He also got a Bear Claw and an apple fritter confused. He also moonlights as a chef, Gap worker, pottery barn employee, bad father and worse husband.) Anyway, congrats on the Victory Turd man. You were able to do all this while holding down a regular job, making snow cones in the evening and pulling off a fantasy football victory. That's why there is no glass ceiling for Asian Men (except when it comes to being porn stars).

Mr. Miserable Sarcasm beat up Leo this week. In a way it's payback for leaving that many piss poor loans on his desk as he left for SAG. In a way sweet justice will be Zylka's because not only did he win, but most of those loans may eventually make their way back to Leo. While there's nothing too funny about this, there is something pretty funny associated with this clip. And the even funnier part is that the person for whom this video clip was intended, will be unable to view it because UTube & bank computers are not compatible and Mr. Zylka has surpassed even me in cheapness by having a dial-up internet connection in his house. That's about as sad as Gregg's cheap cable (channels 2 - 17) and the fact that Doron's penny pinching collection was able to cover the league's entrance fee.

Finally we come to my game. The game that most nobody cares about which is evident in the fact that 1) I saved it for last and 2) Bo didn't even seem to care either hence her 46 point output. For some people an autodraft was a good idea, you Bo, may have been one of those people. I like the fact that you decided to take the bull by the horns and draft to your hearts content. The rest of the men that will beat you are happy too because you not only provide us a win, but you also give us another example as to why women are inferior in basically every aspect of life except for child-birth (however if Men could do that, we'd probably be better than women too. See the movie Junior with Arnold as exhibit A).

Now that I've sealed my fate as the biggest jerk in the office. I hope you had a good laugh and we'll see you next week.

Week 1

Welcome to the first blog of the new fantasy football year. Some things take time to get into midseason form, like LT and the Chargers, others however, do not, like Mr. Haldeman and his mad blogging skills. On that note, let the clowning begin.

We'll start off with the most obvious target, that being the "Black Mamba" who got downgraded to a regular old garden snake. Most of the venom left the snake once the draft was over and he realized that not only did Leo outdraft him with the last picks of the draft but that his team SUCKS! To make things better though at least you picked up Bernard Berrian who has been equivalent to unfulfilled dreams the past 2-3 years in fantasy land. Kudos to Mr. Mamba however. He did honor his word by paying up his entry fee. He has been so good at pinching pennies that he actually created 2,500 of them. Mr. Schafer has proven that once again he is a force to be reckoned in both fantasy land and when it comes to using a keyboard. Often in his excitement he forgets how to properly spell words, and his team name is a prime example (review any emails he's sent you for other examples). Congrats on your first victory of the season "Shirmpy".

This week's exciting girl on girl matchup showed us that 1) Katie isn't as dumb as she was last year, and 2) Joyce is as dumb as Katie was last year. Someone needed to fill that role and Joyce seems like a prime candidate (as well as Erica's husband and "the foreigner" who also made a handful of poor decisions, but we'll get to those later). Just a piece of advice Joyce; probably not a good idea to pick up a good wide receiver in Justin Gage, only to turn around and drop him, then to start some rookie who didn't even see the ball all day. I do like the bold move you took in starting a rookie QB. That shows that you've got some balls. Katie showed that she was thinking with the wrong brain when she started Willie Parker over Derrick Ward. It is a mistake that you will continue to make throughout the year, so on behalf of the teams that will beat you later on, thank you for your bad decisions. I don't want to be too negative on Katie after posting a victory so instead let's extend a congrats on your first of a few wins. It only took you like 5 weeks to get that last year, and it came against a guy that thought a fantasy football league had something to do with soccer.

Speaking of soccer, the Nippon Daihyo (Japanese Turds) did battle against a former soccer coach who apparently is barely legal. The turds thought they had it won with small deficit heading into the final game and a volatile wide reciever playing on Monday night. Turns out that TO didn't catch squat in the first half and he is already unhappy, just like Doron is unhappy with his crappy picks. Don't be too concerned with your slow start Mr. Turd, because last year you started out 0-2 and came back to win the whole thing once you realized that Carson Palmer was a bum. Plus, Alan is interested in the league now, but when he loses the next few matchups, he'll realize that half his team is either injured or on a bye week or plain out sucks and then claim that he never cared to begin with and start fantasizing about next year. Solid play out of Alan's defense sealed the victory but if you take that away, you'll realize that Alan's team is full of bums, just like his office mates.

Long and First hit things hard to get the year started off right by putting a beating on the Bucking Broncos. Just an early season prediction, but I bet that Bo will have as many victories as her beloved Broncos. Right now Bo is losing that contest but there is still time to pick up a victory or two as the season progresses. I'm looking forward to much bigger things from Long and First.

Mr. Sarcasm returned to his days of old by scoring the most points (we're only talking about fantasy football) in week 1. Last year you scored the most points throughout the year but that was only good enough for a 6th place finish. It would appear that your luck has changed as you not only scored the most points in week 1, but your opponent, Erica & the Hey Reb clan seemed to be inept and incompetent by scoring the fewest points. Chris Chambers was not a good pickup and unfortunately LT may not have been good either. This could be a long, hard (That's what she said)season ahead for Hey Reb. For those of you who hate the gloating and haugtiness of Mr. Zylka, find solace in knowing that 1) he truly is miserable and 2) his quarterback busted a rib, and is acting like a baby. Favre is his backup and last time Erica checked, he was retired, but apparently he's playing again but it's only a matter of time until he'll need a hip replacement.

Finally, I come to my game where a beat down occurred. I don't want to be too harsh on "The Foreigner" who not only succeeded in picking the gayest possible name for a team, but then failed to show up for a draft, and then scored the 2nd fewest points in the league. His main flaw was starting Carson Palmer who sucks. The other flaws included starting the backup running back to AP (that's Adrian Peterson, the best back in the league, see Zylka's score for evidence), starting Carson Palmer at QB and starting Carson Palmer at QB. Since you probably sucked in your other leagues too, let me give you some advice (Gregg will second it): DON'T HAVE CARSON PALMER ON YOUR TEAM. You'd get more mileage by having Kevin Kolb! The part of this ribbing that feels so good is that when we desperately pleaded to have you join the league, you responded by saying that you would "feel bad for stealing our money." Well, as of week 1, we hope that your guilt trip isn't harrowing up too many pains because frankly your team sucks worse than a bunch of girls at a lollypop stand.

Don't worry though losers. That's right, I said LOSERS! And by losers I meant Bronco lady, Garden Snake, Hey Reb, Foreigner, Sushimon, and Alzheimer's lady, the sun will come up tomorrow and you have a chance at redemption next week. Hopefully you'll learn from your mistakes like starting Carson Palmer, or by not properly looking into the future to see who would perform. Do us all a favor and call 888-303-5280 and get some advice.

Until next week...