Buenos Dias Muchachos

Oh boy. Week #1 is behind us and blog #1 is about to punch some of you in the nuts (or ovaries, or both (That’s right Jared, your team sucked so badly in victory that your tweeze nuts turned into ovaries.))

We’ll start with the embarrassing matchup of the week whose combined point total was slightly higher than that of our newest Victorious Secret model. Let me recap a private conversation (something I’m known to do on a regular basis if you ask Katie, but don’t bother asking her because her opinions on things are worthless which is evidenced by her disgusting excuse for a fantasy football team)…

Jared: “I think I have the best team in the draft. Arian Foster is awesome, Kevin Kolb will be solid, and Matt Ryan could go to the Super Bowl this year.”

Josh: “I’m no doctor (well if that isn’t the most obvious statement of the year. No freaking duh you’re not a doctor. That’s probably why we don’t call you Dr. Haldeman. That’s probably why you work in a bank. Not only are you not a doctor, you’re not even a banker. You’re a putz, if that.) but, Arian Foster’s hammy looks like it’s tweaked pretty good and I bet he won’t even play for awhile.”

(Turns out Josh might be more of a doctor than we all thought.)

The good news is that Jared’s team won in as ugly fashion as humanly possible. The bad news is his team sucks. The worse news is Katie’s team looks like the bald spot on the back of Alan’s head. It’s like a train wreck. It’s like a partial term abortion. I know I begged & pleaded with Katie to join the league but after the results in week 1 I feel bad. Let me recommend a few other hobbies for you other than fantasy football:
Raising Pet Monkeys (it can be more fun than you think)
Learn to make clocks (this skill will be very handy, especially when one asks you what time it is)
Join a club such as 4-HFrom the bottom of our hearts we hope things turn around for you.

On a serious note, we’re all glad your grandma is on the up & up. Hopefully she can improve quicker than your fantasy football team.

The new kid on the block deserves some credit. First of all, let’s not kid ourselves and think that Mariselle (Victorious Secret) has a clue as to what is going on. This is made even more apparent when she stated this morning “I’m winning you all.” Uhhhh... no you’re not. This is not a competition to win individuals that will then turn them into slaves. That would make things more interesting however and will be considered next year. The proper wording should be “I’m beating you all.” Mariselle (aka Ace – which is a ridiculous nickname for a guy that doesn’t play poker. His nickname should be drift, breaker, fuel, speed… but not ace. I digress) put up some massive points. It could’ve been so much better had Rothlesshamburglar and the Steelers not gotten punked but things happen. Our poor grandma was so excited waking up Monday to the possibility of a week 1 victory. She couldn’t wait to throw it back in our face that picking Roddy White #1 overall was a great move… how’d that work out? Don’t worry señorita, things will get better for ya. Your next opponent is the same idiot that writes this blog.

After being a cellar dweller for each and every fantasy football season we’ve had, Mr. CJ “That’s not Mine” decided to see what it feels like to be over .500. Congrats on that accomplishment and thanks for sending Leo out with a bang. The Shrimp Shack Shooter spelled his name right and moved out to CA where he won’t be missed. We’ve all heard stories about someone leaving a bank and the people left behind throwing a huge celebration party. I heard the party at Sahara today was worthy of Kool & the Gang. Tom Brady almost made the comeback of the century happen for Leo. I’m convinced it could’ve happened if he would’ve thrown to Chad Ochocinco, but that’s just me… pissed off he didn’t get more than 14 yards receiving on a night that Brady threw for 517!

Now the delicate match-up to critique. Do I rip the guy in credit admin whose Jewish heritage has made it incredibly difficult for him to pay his measly $25 entrance fee or the guy with a New Jersey heritage that most likely has connections to the mob? One of the guys can ensure that none of my credit are ever approved and the other can bombard me with so many crappy loans that I’ll actually have to work. Weighing my options I’ll decide to play it cautiously and rip the mob guy. Let’s face it, the mob isn’t as powerful as it used to be. All those old-school mobsters sold out to Wall-Street. Plus we all know that Tony is more bark than bite. Somebody could not possibly squeeze your head in a vice and then answer the phone with a polite demeanor and slightly high pitched tone like Tony does and be hard-core. A real bad a$$ would scream at everybody regardless of who they are for the simple reason that they are interrupting him. The only plea that we all have is that you don’t go postal on me for writing this and on everybody else just for reading it. The biggest fantasy football nerd of us all may have won the Toyota Tacoma draft award but that obviously wasn’t enough to win in week #1. Better luck next week.

The last matchup to be discussed was the another great victory for America over our rival Japan. Some of you may be confused by that statement and think that we are allies with Japan but that is not the case at all. My brother informed me that America was behind the earthquake that occurred a few months ago in Japan. If my crazy brother knows about this kind of stuff it must be true. The other thing that we all know is true is that it is only a matter of time until Gregg goes kamikaze on us and leaves the bank for greener pastures. He has beaten most of the league’s participant’s expectations by sticking around as long as he has. It is assumed by many that Gregg is only sticking around the bank for fear that he will be exiled from the league if he leaves again during the season. The defending champ didn’t have enough in the tank to do anything worthwhile against the dude with a picture of a guy that literally crapped himself. You suck Gregg, enjoy a crappy season!